Ask Willie D: My Boyfriend is Too Busy to Have Sex. Help!
[Editor's note: Rap pioneer and Geto Boys member Willie D answers reader questions for our sister paper, Houston Press. Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!]
Photo courtesy of Peter Beste
Dear Willie D:
I met a man and we instantly connected. Five days into meeting each other he asked me to marry him. I said yes because I had no reason to say no other than we had just met. Within 30 days we purchased a home and on the 35th day we were married. No one knows how long we have known each other, but him and I. I keep being asked by family members, how long he and I have been dating because they have never heard of him. Both of us always answers, "For a while."
They're putting the pressure on us. Yes, what's done is done, but we agreed after being together for at least four and a half years we'll share with them in full the details of our connection -- if they're still interested. Tell me, what are your thoughts on this?
Life has but a few guarantees. Being drilled by family members and friends after you've bought a house with and married a man they don't know is one of them. Stick to your plan to reveal details of your connection later if that's what makes you comfortable. Although it's not necessary that your family and friends know how long you've known your husband, you should make an effort to get to know his background and find out if he is who he says he is.
Waiting gives you a chance to observe a person's true character and address any anxieties you might have. But like you said, what's done is done.
OLD MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES TURNED ME FROM AN ATHEIST
Dear Willie D:
I had a serious episode years back where I lost my mind. Although it did not lead to me harming myself or others, the event itself represents a moment of indescribable chaos that changes your sense of self forever. The event in itself was weirdly juxtaposed with some spiritual experiences that happened before I lost my mind; experiences which in the moment I didn´t recognize in any form as being spiritual in essence.
After losing my mind and getting my bearings back, I became a very spiritual human being. I had been quite a belligerent and intolerant atheist before I lost my mind. Do you think that it's crazy for someone who was a self-avowed atheist to realize that they had misunderstood the nature of belief in the mythic and divine, and thus become a believer in those very things they once abhorred?
No, I don't believe it's crazy to reach a point in your life where you realize you may have been wrong about your convictions. None of us has the right to impose our spiritual beliefs on each other, even if we disagree with those beliefs. Here's a toast to a double dose of blessings.
More Willie D on the next page.
Dear Willie D:
I've been the nice guy forever. I'm respectful, courteous, and I'm a gentleman. For the longest [time] I've steered clear of loud, crazy, disruptive females, but now it seems as though society is overpopulated with them. There are so many rude, and random females who get loud at Walmart, and STFU ain't doing it. What can I do to shut them down, and immediately put them in their place?
Stop going to Walmart.
Dear Willie D:
It has been a little over two months since my boyfriend, and I have had sex. He is always so busy with work that sometimes I feel like he doesn't even see me. When he comes home from work he showers, eats, and goes straight to bed. He doesn't want to talk, and when I ask him questions about his day I get a short answer. I miss the man I fell in love with.
I don't want to break up, but I'm afraid the lack of affection will continue, and I will begin to seek it elsewhere. Willie D, help me!
What kind of boyfriend do you have where he's so busy putting in work on the job that he doesn't have the time to put in work on you? I've never been that busy. He could have a side chick. Then again he may no longer be attracted to you or he might be depressed. But let's not jump to conclusions and automatically start assuming things that may or may not be true. At this moment, for whatever reason his guards are up and he doesn't want to talk.
Conventional wisdom tells us that he needs to man up, and get back to handling his business in the bedroom. But what if you tried an unconventional approach by trying to get him physically back into the relationship through getting him emotionally back into the relationship first: by focusing on yourself. Here's what I mean. It's almost impossible for a man to avoid touching his woman when she is keeping herself up.
If you've gained a few pounds or have let yourself go in other areas since you started dating him, get in the gym and change your diet or make whatever improvements you have to make. If you no longer wear sexy underwear to bed take off those grandma drawers and hit up a Victoria's Secret immediately. If you are a complainer, stop. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes men do lose sexual interest in a woman if she is a nagger.
Also make yourself available for your boyfriend, but don't put your life on hold for him. Plan things to do together, but if he's not interested keep it moving. When he sees how great you look in addition to your new-spirited attitude you're going to have to call the police to keep him off you. There will be a woman quick to say, "I wouldn't do all of that. What is he bringing to the table?" That is a bitter and selfish woman who couldn't keep a man if he came in a genie bottle.
Both women and men have to get rid of that attitude of waiting for our significant other to improve before we do. It doesn't work. Take care of your end, and hang in there a little longer. He'll come around.
Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back soon for more of his best answers.
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