The Year in Letters
There are very real dangers out there in the world, and seeing the word "motherfucker" in print isn't one of them . . . Your new website sucks. Your rag sucks. I hate you . . . Dogs don't lie . . . people do . . . Scott Foundas' review of The Producers reminded me of a dog with a blood-sucking tick on its ass: annoying, useless and both the world could do without . . . I can understand not liking someone, even finding them distasteful or even disappointing, but to harbor such hate of President Bush only hurts you. Hate injures your health and shows that your vision, attitude and opinion are clouded. Get over your hate and focus on the good that our troops are doing, our robust economy and the privilege of living in the greatest country in the world. You will find life is much better when you do not hate. And, to answer your question about what to do with the dog shit: EAT IT! . . . Is it just me, or does it seem like there's no escaping Tyra Banks these days? . . . Rebecca Schoenkopf writes, "Stanton is the place the rest of us here in Orange County make fun of when we're tired of mocking Fontana." Just who are these other "rest of us"? I think quite a few people around Orange County would disagree with you that Stanton and Fontana are places to mock . . . Pussies . . . I am a disruptive Jew with no social graces who has spent a lifetime fouling up the quiet elegance of others. I have turned to several professional therapists to remedy this affliction, and I can proudly say that I am now rather well-compensated. I have learned to avoid social situations that might run afoul of my chronic condition. Everything was sailing along remarkably smoothly until I stumbled across Ms. Taylor's vile comments. She is constantly doing this sort of thing, mocking the infirmities of others. I think she is a mean, nasty person . . . Are you proud of yourself now? . . . I got about halfway through Ella Taylor's article before I had to look at who wrote it. I just knew it had to be a chick to watch all those stupid movies and then say that Sin City sucked . . . Can we clone you? . . . I'll guarantee you that George Bush doesn't give a flying fig about Howard Stern . . . I thought Dr. Laura Schlessinger's definition of the word "bitch" was extremely revealing . . . Sounds like someone's getting testosterone injections . . . I guess we're to surmise from this that America values titty bars over taxes . . . I cracked up when I read that because a drummer once told me that, at the end of an especially good gig, he would be so spent that he'd shit his pants! Onstage! . . . Nice job crapping all over the drummer, bung-hole . . . Why are we getting closer and closer to Taliban standards? . . . Other than that, good job! . . . "To a hammer everything looks like a nail." I might add: "To a racist, everything looks like racism" . . . I'm really disappointed in your response to my letter . . . Why must people be so lame? [Tyra Banks'] face is plastered on every magazine in the grocery store line, her TV show seems like it runs 15 times a day on four different stations, she's in half the commercials they run on TV, and she's on a million billboards and buses all over town . . . It was too bad you sympathized with that piece of shit! . . . Don't you think that Nazis deserve a beating like that daily? . . . Billy Joe is a shithead and a hypocrite for using Mexican and Japanese lawyers . . . To answer your question on why Tamara Anne Moonier would claim she was gang raped when she knew there was videotape of her willingly being a reverse porcupine: because she's fucking crazy . . . Why are the responses in the "Ask a Mexican" column always peppered with words in Spanish? . . . You are a very sad LITTLE person . . . Here we go again with another stereotypical, liberal, non-Christian, pseudo-artistic intellectual person giving an imbecile opinion about Christians . . . What an IMBECILE! . . . My brother and I have a couple of stores in Orange County, and were seriously considering advertising with you guys. But after seeing the negative cover about Jesus, you can forget it! . . . Muslim whackos, Christian whackos: they're all the same. They live in fear . . . I'm not sorry you're going to hell . . . You should not shame yourself by associating the name of Jesus with these mad people . . . I want a refund on my free subscription . . . There is no way to "sensationalize" sodomizing an unconscious girl with a pool stick or putting a lit cigarette in her vagina . . . It's called morals . . . Nowhere in the article did I find any reference to Jesus killing anybody . . . Let me enumerate the things wrong with this, in increasing order of wrongness . . . Your advice to the cat with the Mexican wife who doesn't shave herself was missing the obvious . . . I was reading the March 2 Huntington Beach Independent and found this letter from someone named Cindy Cross. I think she's talking about you: "You should leave this kind of mean-spirited, politically motivated 'journalism' to that other foul-mouthed, single-point-of-view giveaway rag that comes out weekly." But don't worry: I still love you! . . . You're a great writer, however, your nasty little spirit infects your work . . . I must consider the fact that your little article is filled with fallacies and vulgarity that rots your words, due mainly to the fucks, bitches and assholes you pepper throughout the story . . . My plump mother and I send our regards . . . You're an idiot . . . Too bad your mind is so closed that very little truth can creep into it . . . God gave us all talents to do something which we would be good at but we do it in Christ's name. He is not proud of your magazine . . . If people like him were beaten and dragged through the streets—treated the way he treats people—this would be a nicer place to live . . . Tyra Tyra Tyra . . . Their husbands, boyfriends, friends and most of the children are also creepy and apparently devoid of any sense of reality . . . I find it ironic that he would slam the 1970s and call it a "messy, messy decade" when we are probably in one of the worst decades ethically, politically, musically and spiritually than any other . . . Don't let me leave out what great things this decade/generation has brought us, like the fucking dumbest president in history; disloyal ballplayers that have ruined sports for the fans; Paris Hilton; shit music like the White Stripes, void of any musicianship whatsoever; supposed metal music with no guitar leads or guitar players without the ability to do a guitar lead; stupid/meaningless reality/celebreality TV; guys with piercings/tattoos that have never rode a Harley and would cry if you looked at them wrong; cell phones plugged into everyone's heads like a third ear; and let's talk about pot in the 1970s. Pot is a bad drug??? What about this decade's/generation's great drugs like Ecstasy and GHB—wow, those are really much safer drugs than pot . . . Life isn't fair . . . Your rag and alleged journalists are certainly entitled to what I consider immoral, ultra-leftist opinions . . . What a joke!! . . . If you can't bring yourself to type the words "science fiction," perhaps you could just type "s-f" instead of that nauseating neologism which I will not dignify by mentioning here . . . And this one time when I had been on a weeklong fishing trip, long before kids, where there were no showers, my balls itched. I washed them with Jim Beam and a paper towel. They felt all warm for a little while and didn't itch the rest of the trip . . . You're a fuckin' pisser . . . Dear Mexican, you should get out of that bean bag you're sleeping in for half a segundo and stagger to the nearest Santa Ana traffic signal . . . Use your BRAINS, eat your BEANS! . . . I go to Mater Dei, and I am graduating in less than a month . . . I am wondering as to why you write this article . . . As a 1972 graduate of Mater Dei High School, I have to commend you on your article about the pedophiles who have prowled the halls of my alma mater . . . I'm over 40 and I look pretty damn good. I'll dress the way I want to. Bite me . . . What is this? . . . I'm fuckin' sick of going to any of my local stores and navigating my way through snot-nosed, loud, misbehaved young Mexican kids . . . We try not to objectify men, but really, who are we fooling? . . . Don't rat me out to the man . . . Man, is it that bad, or were you just pissed off that day? . . . Rebecca is a fine human being, but that doesn't mitigate the fact that she is an immature, ungrateful brat . . . When faced with shit they know and strangers, people usually don't mind the stink of familiarity . . . Your election coverage sucks . . . Can you guys please, please, please do something so that we can finally get rid of that pompous jackass CURT PRINGLE and get him the hell out of Anaheim . . . The only folks 'freaked out' are the ignorant minions who desperately hang on with a death grip to their disbelief and hate for the truth . . . You are smart and funny. And have a very cute cooter . . . Maybe someone should talk to [Tyra Banks] about the downside of overexposure . . . All I can say is: URP! Blech . . . Look at the bright side: if you leave the fungus there long enough, you might be able to harvest mushrooms from your toe someday . . . Just a thought . . . For the first time, I read an article of yours, and after I read it, I realized that I will never read anything of yours again . . . Simply put, you use vulgarity and what you write serves no positive purpose to the world . . . Is this an AMERICAN magazine?? . . . How many times must he refer to white Americans in a derogatory manner?? For example, calling a white female from Rancho Santa Margarita a "desperate housewife" or referring to a group of white Americans as "prune-faced white folks" . . . Welcome to the Gestapo Parking Enforcers!! . . . My combined Mexican-Guatemalan ancestry ranks me somewhere between a syphilitic Chihuahua and Hitler's missing left nut! . . . Disillusioned and disgusted . . . In regards to Hot Ass' question . . . In order to keep a good relationship with our men, we must be a good friend, a responsible spouse and the best whore in bed . . . As for Schoenkopf's potty mouth . . . It's no wonder Ben walked away; he is smart enough to realize that if he didn't get out then, he may have awoken a fortysomething with crazy-colored hair and a tattoo of dragons circle jerking . . . Am I the only person who's embarrassed to see middle-aged men and women still acting like children? . . . I had no idea that someone on your staff is into children having sex together . . . Enjoy Sharia, you castrated dhimmi bitch . . . Yes, thousands of copies of our pro-White newspaper, The White Patriot Leader, were distributed in your area within the past two months, 153,000 all tolled, nationwide. And we're just getting started . . . I guess that horseshit is a lot more interesting than drugs . . . I am writing to ask for the immediate and unconditional removal of Gustavo Arellano from your writing staff. His ¡Ask A Mexican! column was not funny this week. I was bored and not even mildly offended . . . Thank you for Ellen Griley and her articles, though I have yet to read one . . . Hey thar, Pretentious Twit . . . That's a drag, momma . . . Some call me dirty, but the truth is, ma'am, I'm usually downright filthy . . . Matt Coker is an idiot . . . Thanks for using honky. Please start using chink, nigger, spic, beaner, kike . . .Uhm, did I just read that last column right? . . . I'm not just saying this 'cause I stayed up all night wacked out on Vicodin and Sparks watching V for Vendetta . . . Shit, can we just rename our state New Utah?! We're California dammit! Now let's riot!!! . . . Read Whitey McAsshole's letter aloud—it's like beautiful music . . . And no, I don't do drugs and the music sounds great . . . I know you just love looking at yourself, Tyra, but for the love of God, give us a break . . . Hi Pretentious Twit, my trail name is Two Legs . . . I'm a 63-year-old grannie who's done 900 miles so far on the Pacific Crest Trail . . . Your article of 8/10 meets and exceeds your already low level of decency by suggesting that a gabacha go down on a Mexican to eat his penis . . . You would have enjoyed the stream of mucus-laden iced tea which spewed forth from my nose . . . What the fuck? . . . I am a fan of the pastrami sandwich rather than the burrito . . . The place is going to be crawling with pretentious OC foodophiles and my nice quiet Wednesday evenings will be no more . . . Damn you, Matt Coker, DAMN YOU!!!!! . . . Barf freaking barf . . . Wow, thanks for the disinfo . . . This is a letter to inform you on how extremely dross your OC Weakly Rag really is . . . If I were to have an extreme case of Montezuma's Revenge and there was no toilet paper in sight, and the only thing in the bathroom at that time was an OC Weekly, I still wouldn't put my ass anywhere near it . . . C'mon, guys, time to remove your tongues from the asses of the Coach House and Galaxy . . . He inserted the hilarious line "a slice as large as a hydrocephalic infant's head," referring to a slice of cake . . . Um dude, Trendzilla is gay . . . Is this your idea of attracting quality people to your event or maybe you like sleaze and trash for your clientele . . . What a waste of space this cock is . . . I was just sad that you didn't ever reference the fact that he has pink lips . . . I don't know any of the people responsible for giving Germans a bad name . . . You should be ashamed of yourselves . . . I recently read your story in the OC Weekly and I am very sorry to hear about the fatal outcome of the cat . . . I was really offended by Vickie Chang's bigoted article . . . And you, lady, are a regular Nazi to say that no white person has a right to be attracted to an Asian woman . . . Being a second generation Japanese American homosexual male, it is refreshing to read an article that so accurately articulates the prejudice that is so ubiquitous in my everyday life. I've heard enough phonetically incorrect "konnichiwas" and "arigatos" to last a lifetime, thanks. No, I don't own a kimono and no, I wouldn't wear it for you if you bought it for me. "How do you say my name in Japanese?" Ralph. Now go away . . . As to the other crap in the article, what is your point? When men have too much to drink they act stupid? That's an insight? . . . Not since Mein Kampf has there been such an unabashed outpouring of disgusting personal prejudices . . . I almost enjoyed the interview with Harry Shearer . . . The review of Proof in Santa Ana was the best bar review I've ever read considering I don't read many bar reviews, and I've been drinking, and it's noon on Sunday . . . Your attempt to rewrite music history is way off-base . . . Giving Ronald Reagan credit for creating punk is a sin . . . I was very disturbed that Steve Rocco had fallen off this year's list of OC's scariest people . . . Your article on building an AK-47 was bullshit . . . PPS: Come over to our office on Monrovia Avenue and we'll show you some really evil—I mean cool—stuff . . . I'm so sorry you were bored in the Tridentine Mass . . . After reading Gustavo Arellano's "Ask A Mexican" I have to tell you that I'm not surprised that a Cuban stole your column idea. It's typical of those cabrones to behave in that manner. There's a joke in Puerto Rico that says the only reason that Hitler ordered that the Jews be killed is because he didn't know Cubans existed . . . And, Tyra, we don't give a damn whether your boobs are fake or not! . . . Keep it up. You rock. Don't ever change. All that crap.
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