Love Letters 2004
About that law banning necrophilia. . . . What is wrong with you people? . . . Suicides, abusive parents, car accidents, someone having sex with Santa? Jesus! Can't you just relax and enjoy something for once? It's Christmas! . . . Is your life really that sad? . . . Personally, I prefer sex therapy. . . . My mother was a fucking Kentuckian, my grandmother was a fucking Kentuckian, and her parents and grandparents were fucking Kentuckians. We folks with roots in Kentucky take our fucking seriously, and to insinuate that any of us would even CONSIDER immigrating to the backwater of Tennessee is fightin' words! . . . The only reason I read your tripe is to keep up with what the real enemies of America are thinking. . . . I would like to know when Gustavo Arellano is going to stop pushing his biased views of his culture on the readers of OC Weekly? I am sick and tired of hearing about the "plight" of the poor little Mexican! . . . My "great ass" and I would like to thank you guys for the dubious honor of being named on the list. . . . Get your own fucking style! You clones! I hate you so! You're so boring! . . . Yes, I am from the "deep South," as you call it, Rich, and I feel you mock me for this. . . . Thanks, Jim Washburn, for making sure people keep mistaking a rather bland, innocent interest in neat, anthropomorphic characters that some of us have for the unusual sexual practices of a select few. . . . I would expect more responsible journalism from the OC Weekly. I think you owe your readers an apology. . . . Every week, all I see in your column is your sad, Orange County escapades in white-trash watering holes, and it's fucking insufferable. . . . Either you HATE white people more than anyone else in the world (Farrakhan included), or you are really pissed off that you aren't white. . . . You don't tell the truth!! . . . On behalf of the non-"dipshit" voters in Huntington Beach, I'd like to thank you for mentioning our resounding victory over Measure E. . . . I live in the unit almost on top of the poop pole. . . . I am sick and tired of your left-wing paper printing letter after letter from pinko, liberal pseudo-intellectuals who have nothing better to do than criticize our great president and his wonderful administration. . . . Okay, why are people such JACKASSES?!!! . . . You talked about the baseball gods messing with the Angels—how about they just suck? . . . I'm sick and tired of people constantly mixing up race with religion. . . . Having never read your publication until today, I was astonished at the low standard of the writing in one particular diary entry from Steve Lowery. . . . Obviously, Rich Kane has been completely misinformed. . . . "What's the most men you've had sex with in a 24-hour period?" [Me? Eight, but that was before I found Jesus.] . . . Man, I think people accepting us would be the worst thing; all the fakes wearing tails and ears because it's a fashion trend makes me shudder. . . . Oh, the poor animals; let's not do anything to protect ourselves or build anywhere because it might hurt a horsefly or scrub jay. . . . Could you guys get any more P.C.? . . . Then again . . . Although I regularly find Commie Girl's column to be inane and unimportant, I think this week's marked your lowest, most pathetic point. . . . By the way, I bet your girlfriend is white! . . . Hey, Gustavo: you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. No, man, make that a rock! . . . Go pick on someone or something more deserving, and stop harassing one of the premier children's hospitals in America. . . . I was wondering what Buddy Seigal has against Brian Eno. . . . I'm really sorry to disappoint Theo Douglas by living to be 49. . . . The most outrageously offensive thing about this untalented jackweed is that right here, right now, he is the most famous civil engineer of our time. . . . We sometimes see naked gringas in the Playboy, but they don't excite us Mejicanos. We know they have fake tits, and besides, they don't know how to cook. . . . Are you really so hard-pressed for anything interesting to say that you resort to some sad, hanger-on story about getting ignored by a B-list celebrity? . . . Mexicans NEVER do anything wrong and are the abused, unsung heroes of our society, and if you are Caucasian, heterosexual and Christian, you will be blamed for everything that is wrong with the world. . . . The cartoon was disrespectful as well as a blatant display of immaturity and poor taste. . . . [I] found Gustavo Arellano's article on trying to find sea-turtle soup absolutely distasteful, not to say unforgivable. . . . I know you are a "hip" and "trendy" (read sarcastic) news/mag. . . . Perhaps it was not your intention that it be racist, but I am offended, and I know a lot of my friends are offended. . . . I bet all your gringo friends had a real laugh . . . When living in Mexico City, I got hit with rocks, got a bucket of piss thrown on me and got called "gringo" almost daily. . . . It is just common human decency to treat cherished symbols of people's beliefs with respect, even when you personally disagree with those beliefs. . . . I was very dismayed to see that of all the new music that comes Chris Ziegler's way—including my band's CD—he decided to write April 16's Locals Only column about a six-year-old demo by a band that no longer exists. . . . Cut some slack here. . . . Glad to hear you have imaginary boyfriends rather than real Republican ones. . . . Lame! Stale! Unimaginative! Ah, yes, a Cornel Bonca book review is always so uplifting and insightful. . . . I get suckered into going to H.B., but my boobs are real, so I have a crappy time. . . . It honestly makes me sick to know that the picture of our president and his middle finger is sitting in front of a local sandwich restaurant where small children can easily see it. Your paper makes me sick. . . . Shame on you. . . . Just wanted to say thanks for bad-mouthing H.B. skanks! . . . For what does NASCAR deserve to be slimed in such a manner? Washburn provides no basis whatsoever in his linkage of NASCAR and Nazi Germany. . . . You ruined my birthday. . . . Your cover relating to all things negative about being Mexican in California should take the top prize in the Liberal Media Bleeding Hearts awards. . . . I'm a H.B. girl, and I don't have "puffy lips" nor am I a snob. . . . I'd be a bitch, too, if I had to drive an hour to get drunk. . . . I don't know why I bother writing to people who probably can't read, but your article on Ronald Reagan was despicable. . . . To piss on his grave as you did is worse than bad journalism—it's un-American. . . . Fuck you for taking my leftovers. . . . You bastards have the arrogance to entertain a column by this person who would as soon shoot you if you were on her turf (the Middle East). You deserve what you have coming to you. . . . Shame on you. . . . Your Coachella coverage is year after year an uninformed, niggling atrocity. . . . I found the cover of your magazine extremely offensive. It characterized Mexicans in a very negative, stereotypical manner that I find racist. . . . I wanted to let Rich Kane know what an incredible loser he is. . . . The following should apply to reporters, editors or whatever the hell Washburn is: "Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged." . . . Is it any wonder the rest of the world thinks the people in the USA are fucking nuts and dangerous? . . . Let's hope when the crazies who want to kill all Americans—Democrats, Republicans, black, white, brown, young, old, infirm—make their next strike, it's on someone you love. . . . That kind of opinion turns my stomach! Not nice, not even funny. . . . Hey, lighten up, bro! . . . I just finished reading Chris Ziegler's hatchet job on the Bay City Rollers, and I feel as though I just watched a schoolyard brawl between a football player and a kindergartner. . . . Instead of calling the wimps BIG FAT PUSSIES, try calling them LIMP WIENERS since that is the natural state of man: limp. . . . What kind of bigoted crap is that? . . . Please tell Steve Lowery that in my opinion, his son's breakfast preference is definitely weirder than his friend Dalton's. . . . Your response: "Your letter makes crystal clear why anyone would want to dump a bucket of urine on you." I mean, am I reaching here? Isn't that a bit extreme? . . . I accept other people's opinions but only in a venue-/circumstance-appropriate manner. . . . I understand the workings of the vent system and have begun a campaign of duct taping bags over the thing to limit the fecal stench that has become my life. . . . Are you kidding me?! . . . I think a retraction and a big apology is due on your part to Tennessee Ernie Ford's family because he was a fine, Christian man . . . I really enjoyed reading about the Nazi interrogator. . . . How about limp and flaccid meat? Or soft and squishy hot dogs? Or soft and squishy wieners? You get the idea. . . . The birthday card is not signed by your son but has the distinguished loop-de-loop of a woman's hand—your son didn't even sign it. . . . It appears that Steve Lowery is the real "pussy." . . . It breaks my heart to see such crap on the cover of your paper today. . . . Kids saw this cover, saw their commander and chief flipping the bird, something they would be expelled from school for doing. . . . What a degrading picture, whether it was doctored or not is beside the point. You guys put a picture on the cover of the president as if he's flipping off the country. Completely despicable. . . . This is disgusting, degrading, insulting; I can't think of enough words for it. If that's the best you can do, you ought to be embarrassed and ashamed. . . . What a disgrace! . . . Enough already—we get it! You HATE George W. Bush. . . . Be my guest: please, go to Canada. . . . Jim Washburn, what a bitter, self-righteous opinion you have! . . . You lefties are just plain nuts and deserve to be out of power and scorned. . . . Why don't you put yourself (and me) out of your misery and move to LA or New York, where you won't have to bear further witness to all the things you seem to despise that guys love about living here: dumb broads who prefer augmentation and preening over self-examining, man-hating literary types who wouldn't know a good time if it bit them in their fat or not-so-fat ass. . . . You are a misogynist. . . . Thus urine did play a role in the War Between the States after all. I can't believe we've had this discussion. I'm going to go away now.
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