DEAR MEXICAN: Why can’t U.S. citizens take responsibility for their own actions? It’s so common to encounter ignorant people blaming Mexicans (and many, though not all, other Latin Americans) for their own plight. But let’s look at the facts: Almost as soon as the Spanish, French, Portuguese and Dutch left their colonies in this hemisphere, Washington stepped in, trying to support puppet dictatorships and crush any real independence. These puppets often (not always) impoverished many of their people. Also, every year, U.S. citizens hand billions of dollars of their own tax money in subsidies to agribusinesses. These companies use their “welfare for the rich” to cover their costs, and then dump overproduced, underpriced agricultural products on Mexico. This forces Mexican farmers out of business and off their land, which forces down Mexican wages and job availability—and forces Mexicans out of the country. So what happens? The impoverished results of the aforementioned events are showing up as illegal immigrants in the U.S. As embattled immigrants in the U.K. put it in the 1970s, “We come here because you go there.”
DEAR GABACHO: You pretty much lo clavaste, especially the second and third points—that’s the story of NAFTA, which Bill Clinton pushed on us Mexicans during his administration and which Hillary Clinton has never denounced. While the Mexican’s preferred candidate for any political race will always be Alfred E. Neuman, you’re better off as a Mexican if you feel el Bern instead of trying to pretend that Hillary has things in common with your abuela, as a laughable Clinton listicle insisted last year. The only grandmother La Hillary even resembles in Mexican culture is one of those mean, rich ones in telenovelas who talks trash on the india maids and her puta daughter-in-law.
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DEAR MEXICAN: Why are we content to hear the same old recycled Tejano music? We have tons of local jazz and blues musicians; why don’t the Latin radio stations dedicate a few hours a day to these artists? Encourage them to push the boundaries. Stretch out and push the envelope. Can you imagine the outcome? Why aren’t we, in turn, impacting Anglo and Black culture with our style, music, art, literature, acting, architecture?
DEAR POCHO: I seriously doubt you’re listening to Tejano music; you’re probably a pendejo pocho who can’t tell his Flaco Jiménez from Ramón Ayala and thinks Jennifer Lopez made Selena popular. Spanish-language stations don’t play local artists for the same reason the English-language ones don’t—they don’t come from the record-label cartels that dominate Top 40 music. You want boundary-pushing music? Let’s take your much-maligned Tejano music, which takes the Czech polka, Polish mazurka and German waltz; puts Spanish lyrics in front of it; speeds it up with American rock & roll and R&B pizzazz; and calls it a start. Modern-day jazz and blues? They’re more derivative than a piñata maker. Finally, if you don’t think we influence gabacho and negrito culture, go talk to Taco Bell.