DEAR MEXICAN: My beloved mojado has crossed back over the border into his native Mexico for a family emergency. He seems to think it’s going to be a cinch when he comes back—I mean the desert, pumas, mountains, electric fences, people trying to rob and shoot you, being short on cash . . . Where’s the difficulty, right? I know it seems like only a scared, privileged bolilla would have a problem with this, considering how many people come here that way every day, but I keep reading all this scary stuff about how many people die trying.
If a Mexican gets a passport to enter, can he start the process of becoming legitimate once he’s here? I’ve tried doing research, but my Spanish isn’t that good. What are his best options for getting back, illegally or legally—car trunk, swimming the Rio Grande? My main concern is getting him back safely. (Just please don’t say marriage—aunque es guapísimo y tiene un corazón de oro—probably one day, just not yet). Please help me, Mexican.
Extraño Mi Novio Gordo y Sexi!
DEAR I MISS MY SEXY, FAT BOYFRIEND: Yeah, time was when a Mexican could just pay a penny at the border and cross over—that’s how my grandfather did it in 1918. Or pay a hippie chick from Huntington Beach $50 to stuff him in a trunk of a Chevy (pronounced “Chevy, not ‘Shevy'”) as she crossed into San Ysidro, as my papi did it in 1968. The days of easy crossings are long gone—and now usually a miserable mess. The easiest way to get your beloved fat boy back? Vote Democrat in 2016—you can look it up!
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DEAR MEXICAN: I’m a native Alabamian who immigrated illegally to Georgia. I was wondering why there is such a large Mexican and Guatemalan population in both of these states? I thought there were a lot in Alabama until I crossed the border into Georgia!
Chica Guadalupe del Taxi
DEAR GABACHA: The 2010 census showed that Alabama had the second-largest percentage growth of Latinos (read: Mexicans) of any state in the country, with the other top-five states also in the South. There are so many Mexicans in Alabama, I know young raza who argue about Alabama vs. Auburn the way Mexicans in Southern California babble about Chivas vs. América! I can’t answer for the Guatemalans, but the Mexican angle is easy: jobs and gabachos willing to hire Mexicans even if they’re undocumented. Interestingly enough, all these states are also expected to go for Donald Trump during the presidential election—so is the pendejo going to build a wall around the South, too? P.S., The South is also the place where many a farmer has openly stated that Americans will not pick crops no matter how much they offer to pay them—you can look it up!
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DEAR MEXICAN: In the not so distant future, when the Mexicans are running the entire show, what will they do with our lame-ass “public assistance” programs? In which people get checks for sitting on their asses, having more kids in fatherless homes, expecting food stamps for watching TV, subsidized housing that they treat like shit, etc?
I See It, I’m Sick of It, and I’m Really Sick of Paying for It
DEAR GABACHO: Absolutely. And we’re definitely going to target the número one abuser of the welfare system: gabachos living in red states ’cause illegals aren’t eligible for welfare. You can look it up!