DEAR MEXICAN: I see lots of Mexican-Americans struggling in grade school and high school. Many Mexican-American activists claim it's because they don't speak English at home or the schools don't teach them well. But I see a lot of Asian-Americans in the same schools who do really well. Many of them also don't speak English at home. The last time I went to a hospital, it seemed as though Asians were 30 percent of all the doctors. I didn't see a single Latino one. Why is it that one group consistently does better than the other? I don't understand.
DEAR GABACHO: Because Mexican students are stupid, while Asian students are geniuses—that's what you and your ilk want to hear, right? This pregunta always busts me up because no matter how many studies activists can offer examining the myths of model minorities and Mexican apathy toward academics—variables, educational background of parents, socioeconomic conditions of neighborhoods, the quality of schools, blah, blah, blah—Know Nothings dismiss the facts. That's not what they want to hear, and they don't even care about solutions to the education gap. So I'll just say it again to please ustedes: Mexican students are stupid, Asian students are geniuses. Happy? Of course you are! However, just because you wish something to be verdad doesn't make it so—and if you don't believe me, go see what happened to Mitt Romney's dream of Mexicans self-deporting.
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DEAR MEXICAN: Far too many Mexicans REFUSE going to the trouble of learning English. They often speak Spanish annoyingly loud in public. Sometimes, the KIDS speak better English than their PARENTS! And if they don't understand you, they just smile and say, "No, sí, no." What is that crap anyway! How about learning enough of our language to say, "I'm as proudly Mexican as you are American. Screw you, muchacho!" While this would be totally obnoxious, at least it'd be more HONEST.
Willy the White Writer
DEAR GABACHO: The kids speak better English than their parents—because they're Americans, while the parents are Mexicans. And those Mexicans are muy honest with you—or do you not hear them mutter, "Chinga tu madre, pinche gabacho feo apestoso" under their breath?
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DEAR MEXICAN: My boyfriend is Mexican, and I am a gabacha. Whenever my boyfriend sees a Mexican girl with someone of a different race, he gets disgusted and mad (especially when he sees one with a black guy). I've pointed out to him that he seems a bit hypocritical, since he's also with a white girl—but he says he makes an exception for me. Do all Mexicans feel this way, or is my boyfriend pinche loco?
Lover of Verga
DEAR COCK-LOVING GABACHA: Of course your guy is pinche loco—but so are all men of color. Hombres complaining their raza's women are dickmatized by gabachos while boasting about nailing gabachas is a trope as old as gabachos fearful that oversexed bucks and banditos were taking too many of their women. That said, I'm not going to dismiss the anti-negrito sentiment that still dominates the Mexican mind, especially when said negrito is dating a mexicana. Raza: We gotta drop anti-black thoughts from our community the same way we ditched Carlos Mencia.