The "Real" Housewives of Orange County

The "Real" Housewives of Orange County
Well, the above image is now outdated thanks to Bravo!'s brilliant decision to replace giraffe face Lauri with another housewife who (gasp!) is not blond. Way to break the mold, guys.

The new soul-less attention whore's name is Lynne and she likes to work out. That's pretty much all they had to say about her. But lucky for you, I've summarized this woman after viewing her for less than 20 minutes: She's not the brightest Crayon in the box. Besides the fact that she never says no to her daughters--and because of that glistening example of a perfect parental philosophy, the girls are spoiled rotten--she actually goes to lunch at one point and discusses hangover remedies with her 17-year-old daughter. Last time I checked, only idiots do that kind of shit on national television.

Speaking of idiocy, the running theme of last night's episode seemed to be luncheons and daddy bashing.

Beginning with evil wench Vicki, who decided to take a small break from insulting her adorable husband Donn to start putting down the father of her children instead. Apparently she left him in Chicago and moved to California about 15 years ago, making it difficult, if not impossible, for him to reach his children. Now the kids are all grown up and saddened by the fact that they don't know their father. Vicki trumpets her decision to rip her family apart by noting that they "have a great new father."

Riiiiight. You mean the guy that you won't even allow to come with you on family vacations? If he's so great, then why don't you treat him with an ounce of respect?

I'm noticing a pattern with Vicki. And that's that she flees the scene of the crime once she tires of the drama she's created. Did I mention that all of this fun news came out at a luncheon?

Meanwhile, Tamra takes Gretchen out for a lunch to apologize for bashing her fiancé two episodes ago for being old enough to be her father. And for this kind apology--how classy is this--Tamra brings a friend along! Real sincere, Tamra. I'm sure that apology was real heart felt. I bet the only thing you're sorry for is having your bitchy remarks caught on camera.

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I mean, poor Gretchen's fiancé is totally dying on national TV. Being on this show can't have been his idea. I'm sure it was all hers. And she wouldn't understand why he'd want to die with dignity because she's clearly already dead on the inside. Her big moment this episode comes when she allows cameras to follow her around as she learns to administer the nourishment her fiancé needs to survive through an IV drip. I'm sure he was thrilled to find out the cameras were coming to film him on that day.

Lastly, Jeana's daughter goes out shooting guns with Tamra's husband Simon, because her own father is a deadbeat, too (sensing the theme yet?). And once she's done thoroughly killing the paper man hanging feet away from her by ripping deadly holes through the area where his penis, head and heart would be, lovely little Kara announces, "Just because I have a vagina doesn't mean I can't shoot." Directly followed by, "I always knew I was a Republican." Isn't that sweet coming from the daughter of a former Playboy Playmate? So conservative. So pure. So Christian.

*Sigh* What a lady.


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