Five Best Choices to Permanently Replace Suspended Talk-Show Pendejos John & Ken on KFI
JohnKen: Pendejo and pendejo-er
Man, I would've loved to be in the room when KFI-AM 640 bigwigs called in John Kobylt and Ken Chiampou last week and told them they were being suspended for calling Whitney Houston a crack ho. I would've loved to see the brass strain for credulity in telling JohnKen that finally--finally! After years of trashing Mexicans, Asians, blacks, but especially Mexicans with the most vile racism outside of an OC GOP meeting!--they went too far by trashing a dead person (note to Whitney lovers--you can't defame the dead), and to see JohnKen yell and grit their teeth as they issued their non-apology apology. Oh, that would've been wonderful!
As it stands, JohnKen return Feb. 27 because KFI isn't really offended at what they do (which begs the question why they suspended them in the first place, but that's another story). So now, we have a problem: KFI has to go with guest hosts. I love Handel, but he belongs in the morning zoo. Kennedy? Bleh--she's becoming too stick-up-her-ass precious. Bryan Suits? Worse--should've never had a show on the station. Conway? Nah.
If KFI were smart (and they very much are), they'd boot JohnKen from the station permanently, and start over. Heaven knows there are many qualified hosts, like the following five.
5. Wayne Resnick
So he's not a fire-breather, but he is from the KFI family--the most underrated host on the station, IMHO. He has a great selection of stories, knows how to tell a tale, the proverbial guy you'd want to share a beer with. Would never happen, though: too nice of a guy.
4. Phil Hendrie
Hendrie already has the Saturday night shift, but the legendary satirist long ruled the KFI airwaves until being unceremoniously dumped in 2005 for jackass John Ziegler (more on him in a bit). Imagine what Hendrie could do to JohnKen's insane audience--to paraphrase Krusty, think of the ratings!
3. Tom Leykis
By far, the best choice, and the least likely. Leykis, one of the people who paved the way to make talk radio what it now is, and has only grown angrier and better while turning more liberal yet as ball-busting, if not more so, over the years. He's better than JohnKen at culture stories, and smarter on politics. Then again, Tom just called them "total fucking pussies," so it'll obviously not happen.
2. Joe Escalante
Why, Joe's even a temp judge!
He'd be the most logical choice to replace JohnKen: already friendly with KFI folks as an occasional host, as conservative-libertarian but without the assholery as JohnKen, much smarter, morally even more conservative, and able to keep an older audience and bring in young blood. Plus the part that he's half-wab will placate the folks at the National Hispanic Media Coalition, who have been calling for JohnKen's head for months. But, ultimately, Joe's too nice of a guy...
1. John Ziegler
...which makes former KFI host John Ziegler perfect. Don't get me wrong: can't stand the guy--and KFI hates him even more. But Ziegler is the perfect Angry White Gabacho, even more than JohnKen--he loves Sarah Palin, for one (while JohnKen rightfully ridicule), and sounds as if he's averaging five aneurysm per hour while talking on the air. Replace Ziegler with JohnKen, and there'd be no changeover in audience--none. If anything, JohnKen's Know Nothing audience would be happy someone agreed with all their pendejo opinions instead of having to tolerate JohnKen's occasional forays into reality. Assholes deserve assholes, and Ziegler makes JohnKen seem as pleasant as Larry Mantle.
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