Fantasy Bluthball: We Draft Locals for Arrested Development Roles
Twentieth Century Fox Television
Real A.D.: George Bluth Sr.
Character: Patriarch of the Bluth family. Founded the Bluth Co. land-development firm. Stole millions. Unlawfully built houses in Iraq for Saddam Hussein. Incarcerated for a year. On the lam (in an attic) for another year. Under house arrest for several months. Fled to Cabo.
Real OC: Donald Bren
Description: Patriarch of the Bren family. Sole owner, since 1983, of the Irvine Co. Reaped billions to become the wealthiest real-estate developer in the U.S. Lawfully built houses for yuppies. Too rich to prosecute (not that he's committed any crimes, yer honor). Never invented a cornballer.
Similarities: George converted to Judaism behind bars. Donald's dad, Milton, was a Jew. Both had sex outside marriage (and, in Bren's case, kids). Keep things on the QT.
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Real A.D.: Lucille Bluth
Character: Matriarch of the Bluth family. Wife of George, who impregnated her while she was working at a Stuckey's roadside convenience store. Mother of George Oscar Bluth (GOB) and Michael (by George) and Buster (by George's twin brother, Oscar). Adopted mother of Lindsay Fünke and Annyong Bluth. Grandmother of Michael's son, George Michael; Maeby Fünke (by Lindsay and Tobias Fünke); and Steve Holt (by GOB and Holt's mom).
Real OC: Vicki Gunvalson
Description: Matriarch of The Real Housewives of Orange County franchise. Divorced wife of Donn Gunvalson, who hooked up with her while both worked at Wickes Lumber in Vernon Hills, Illinois, before Donn got a Home Depot job that brought them to OC. Mother of Michael and Briana Wolfsmith. Grandmother of Troy William Culberson.
Similarities: Control freaks. Lucille's a raging alcoholic; Vicki loves her Pinot Grigio. Lucille scared her family after she got cosmetic surgery. Chided onscreen for looking like Miss Piggy, Vicki got work done before attending a party where a guest said she looked like Mickey Rourke.
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Real A.D.: GOB Bluth
Character: Oldest Bluth son. Social peacock. Disgraced professional illusionist. Drives a Segway. Lives on a boat. Likes to start chicken dances.
Real OC: Mark McGrath
Description: Social peacock. Disgraced professional singer with gawdawful Sugar Ray. Part of a Corona del Mar High pack that found national prominence. Likes to host terrible TV shows.
Similarities: Both have Surf City bro voices down. Both have likely frosted their tips. GOB fell out with the Alliance of Magicians he founded; McGrath was replaced as a host on Extra.
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Real A.D.: Michael Bluth
Character: Middle son of the Bluths. Straight man to his outlandish family, constantly cleaning up their messes. Presided over the Bluth Co. Father of George Michael.
Real OC: Scott Baugh
Description: Straight man to his outlandish Orange County Republican Party, constantly explaining away their messes. Father of Jackson.
Similarities: Michael likes being right so much it pains him when he is incorrect. Scott likes being right so much it pains him when you're just fucking wrong, man. Both try to be a good parent to their sons. But Michael constantly sends/receives the wrong signals to/from his boy. Scott's done in by the gurgling cauldron of whiteness called the GOP Central Committee monthly meeting.
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Real A.D.: Lindsay Bluth Fünke (formerly Nellie Sitwell)
Character: Adopted daughter of the Bluths. Married Tobias Fünke as an act of rebellion. Had a daughter she now barely acknowledges, Maeby. Loathes work.
Real OC: Stephanie Argyros
Description: Daughter of Julia and George Argyros, the former U.S. ambassador to Spain and Seattle Mariners owner who built his fortune as an OC slumlord. Married USC business school grad-turned-investment-company manager Jeff Gehl as an act of un-rebellion. Has two daughters, Ashley and Lauren, and a son, Gunnar, all of whom she dutifully acknowledges. Works for daddy.
Similarities: Both enjoy shopping, frequenting upscale restaurants and hosting Orange County society galas at the Balboa Country Club/Balboa Bay Club.
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Real A.D.: Buster Bluth
Character: Grew up thinking his dad was George Bluth, but Lucille had actually had an affair with George's twin, Oscar. Socially awkward "mama's boy." First girlfriend was mother's rival.
Real OC: Mike Scioscia
Description: Grew up thinking his baseball dad was Tommy Lasorda. First managerial job in the bigs was with the Angels, the Dodgers' Freeway Series rival. Somewhat reserved "Tommy's boy." Caught during Fernandomania. Suffered radiation poisoning as a Simpsons character.
Similarities: Buster never had a real job. Since Scioscia went from playing to coaching to managing, he's never had a real job either (and he may be out of his latest soon). Buster suffers crippling panic attacks. Scioscia suffers crippling early-season losses. Buster lost his left hand to a seal. Mikey lost ace pitcher Jered Weaver's left elbow to a Ranger.
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Real A.D.: Tobias Fünke
Character: Husband of Lindsay. Father of Maeby. Closet case. Psychiatrist and "analrapist" who lost his licenses by hurting a man during CPR. Rejected as a Blue Man Group member. Suffers from a rare medical condition that makes him "never nude."
Real OC: Dean Koontz
Description: Husband of Gerda Cerra. "Parent" to golden retriever Trixie, who died in 2007, and Trixie's grandniece Anna. Best-selling novelist dabbling in the genres of suspense, horror and sci-fi, with stories often set in his home of OC. Psychobiography subject due to screwed-up upbringing.
Similarities: Both resemble G. Gordon Liddy, or at least former baldy Koontz did before he got a hair transplant. Tobias repeatedly denies he's gay ("Why does everyone keep saying that?"). Koontz repeatedly denies he's liberal. Tobias is now a struggling actor. Koontz has acted as though he's David Axton, Leigh Nichols, Brian Coffey and a bunch of other names he has penned works under.
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Real A.D.: Maeby Fünke
Character: Biological daughter of Lindsay and Tobias Fünke. Accomplished con artist. George Michael has the hots for Maeby, his cousin. Maeby has the hots for Steve Holt, also her cousin.
Real OC: Christina Schuller
Description: Biological daughter of Donna and Robert A. Schuller, the only son of Crystal Cathedral Ministries founder Robert H. Schuller. Appeared on season one of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. OhNoTheyDidn't! described her as "the cross-eyed bitch who didn't invite Lauren and Lo to her [birthday party], which resulted in her awkwardly facing Lo's passive-aggressive interrogation at that nail salon."
Similarities: Maeby's alter ego, Surely Fünke, a wheelchair-bound girl suffering from a disease called BS, solicits money from rubes. The Schuller family's bankrupt Crystal Cathedral Ministries solicits money from rubes. Maeby conned her way into being a movie executive. Christina got a Broadway audition that left listeners with earaches before pursuing stardom in LA and fading into obscurity.
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Real A.D.: George Michael Bluth
Character: Shy, reserved and responsible son of Michael Bluth. The younger Bluth strives for a normal life and, to that end, finds excuses to justify his family members' self-centered shenanigans. Works at the family banana stand.
Real OC: Jonah Mowry
Description: Shy, reserved and responsible Lake Forest teen. Came out to parents the night after he posted a video on YouTube to stop the constant bullying he faced. The then-eighth-grader strived for a normal life. Works as a national advocate.
Similarities: In his video, Jonah stares directly into his webcam, crying, as the Sia song "Breathe Me" plays and he holds up index cards revealing the horrible things he'd experienced. In his own video, George Michael swings a stick in his garage as though it's a Star Wars light saber, suffering embarrassment when it's shown to everyone at his school. Both videos went viral.
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