Death Watch

Photo by David KawashimaSouth Orange County has a reputation as the most conservative part of one of the most conservative counties in the Greatest Nation on Earth, but that hasn't stopped a mysterious anti-war protesterfrom propping up signs aimed squarely at the Bush White House. According to, a website tracking this "covert truth campaign," a placard bearing the slogan "Nobody Died When Clinton Lied" was first spotted Aug. 22 facing the 5 freeway near the Junipero Serra off ramp in San Juan Capistrano. Similar signs have subsequently been seen elsewhere in San Juan, Mission Viejo and San Clemente. Those responsible aren't revealing themselves, and their signs disappear as quickly as they appear. But their message is clear: Bubbamay have had his moral faults, but when he lied about them, no one perished. Meanwhile, thousands have died amid the lies of Clinton's successor about Sept. 11, Afghanistan and Iraq. This is made most clear on mystery signs down south that simply declare, "Bush Lied." Another states, "32,000 Dead and I'm Still Paying $2.29 for Unleaded." The most recent sign, spotted Sept. 17 in an undisclosed SoCal location, had the trademark "Nobody Died When Clinton Lied" on one side and "Dear America, Thanks for All the Money, Sorry About Your Kids.—Halliburton Oil" on the other. Priceless!

SMOKE ON THE WATERIs California's prohibition on cigarette smoking in bars, restaurants and other public places driving you up the wall? Help is on the way from a Westlake Village company that has created NICOWater, a drinking water infused with flavorless nicotine. In a Sept. 25 press release, QT 5 its "homeopathic" thirst quencher allows smokers to satisfy their tobacco cravings without lighting up. Cases of NICOWater are apparently on their way to drug stores, eateries and drinkeries. This is great news for Mile High Club memberswho'll no longer be denied post-coital smokes. SUPERSIZE IT!Smoking will, of course, eventually kill you, but public-health officials are increasingly alarmed by Americans' increasing waistlines. They're not the only ones watching this trend closely. According to a Sept. 29 New York Times story, U.S. coffin makersare keeping up with the demands of a fatter populace by creating larger burial caskets. When Keith and Julane Davisstarted their Indiana company Goliath Casketin the late 1980s, they'd sell just one triple-width coffin per year. They're now shipping out four or five per month. It wasn't difficult to see the need for oversized boxes, they say. "It's just going to local restaurants or walking in a normal Wal-Mart," Julane Davis told the Times. "People are getting wider, and they're getting thicker." The reverberations have a trickle-six-feet-down effect: bigger caskets create the need for bigger vaults, which require bigger cemetery plots. And that's gottamean bigger worms. IMMINENTLY QUOATABLE"Five days a week, Bob Dornan's good friend, Rush Limbaugh, goes on the air and 'rips' President Clinton and Vice President Gore. One wonders what sort of substance Rush is hooked on to reach this sort of frenzy." Prescient passage in 1994 book of Dornan quotations compiled by Weekly contributor Nathan Callahan and William Payton, Shut Up, Fag! TAWNY COME LATELYNewport Beach actress/model/welterweight Tawny Kitaenmade a guest appearance on the Howard Stern Radio Show on Sept. 30 to prove she doesn't resemble the hag in her Newport Beach Police booking photo. (Cameras tape Stern's show for his E! Channelcable-television program.) Kitaen—who is known for appearing in White Snakevideos, the Tom Hanksvehicle Bachelor Party, softcore porn and on the arm of O.J. Simpson(pre-Nicole)—was busted on April Fool's Day 2002 for beating up her then-husband, pro baseball pitcher Chuck Finley. Stern reported to his audience that Kitaen does indeed look much better than her famous mug shot. And she used the occasion to explain why she looked so bad back then: she was the one beaten up, she alleges—by Finley! She also denied reports that she ever abused prescription drugs (see A Clockwork Orange, May 10, 2002). But moments later, Kitaen admitted that her reliance on Vicodincaused her to put on the pounds evident in that booking photo. And Stern later informed listeners that he received calls from unnamed cops who disputed Kitaen's version of who battered whom. Fortunately, she's at a better place now emotionally, concentrating on a new career selling women's, men's and kids' clothes at her store Tawny K'son 17th Street in Costa Mesa. E-mail her at, but spare the "Buy Vicodin Online" spam. MORE GOMER PYLE THAN EDDIE PYLEFormer Weekly reporter Anthony Pignataro, who is now the much-envied editor of Maui Time Weekly, e-mails Oct. 3 to alert us that the new book Embedded: The Media at War in Iraq includes an essay by knuckle-dragging Orange County Register columnist Gordon Dillow. "The writers actually introduce him as a 'classic wordsmith' and compare him favorably to Joseph Heller," informs Pignataro. "I thought I was going to throw up." That's because Pignataro detailed Dillow's Iraqi exploits in our July 4 cover story, "Burying the Dead: 'Famous war correspondent' Gordon Dillow struggles with his truth." Pignataro reported how Dillow, speaking to a group of warmongers in Newport Beach upon his return, bragged about censoring the columns he wrote while embedded with a front-line Marine unit. This "journalist" freely cleaned up the language of foul-mouthed Marines, smoothed out rough ethical issues and downplayed the killings of civilians he witnessed. "No one told Dillow to play propagandist," Pignataro wrote in the piece. "He chose the role himself. And he does not apologize." You can pick up Embedded for $16.77 on—or read the real story for free at STAY HOME, GRAMPSWith the massive Baby Boomer generation entering their golden years and today's coffin-dodgers more active than ever, Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park is eliminating senior-citizen discounts, according to an Oct. 3 Associated Press story. Sandusky, Ohio-based Cedar Faire LP, which owns Knott's and several other amusement parks mostly in the Midwest, explains that senior discounts were originally offered to increase attendance among a group of folks who would seldom use their attractions. But these days, you'll find grandma actually riding Montezuma's Revenge—and not just suffering from it. Still, the corporate version of kicking canes out from under bluehairs is a public-relations Scary Farm. "That would be the same as taking away your bread at our age," a 72-year-old Busch Gardens season-ticket holder remarked about the price of his passes doubling. Somewhere, Old Man Knott is spitting up boysenberries.


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