I was standing by Jeff Foye's Jesus toaster at the Brea Civic Gallery Saturday night, when I mentioned to a lady that I saw jelly but no butter. (The jelly was swell-y as the red blood of Christ, but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast.)
"You know what it's for, right?" she asked me, kind of confused.
"Um, yeah?" I asked back, even confuseder. (For eating! Yum!)
"So there's jelly," she said, "but no peanut butter."
Somebody was being retarded here, and I'm afraid it might have been I.
I was sitting in my usual chair at Fullerton's Chomp when my favorite sushi chef, Peter, presented me with a raw-salmon rose. (Peter is a fisherman of men.) "If you give a girl a rose made of salmon," I asked him coyly as I flapped my lashes, "does it mean you love her?"
"Huh?" he explained.
WATER TO WHINE
If you're a racist—and you probably are—you would have hated the Strawberry Festival in Garden Grove this weekend like it was standing outside your local Quik-E-Mart offering to help you with your lawn care or impregnate your daughter.
I hated the Strawberry Festival myself, not because of the marauding hordes of brown and browner—if you were a white person at the Strawberry Festival Friday night, you were probably me—but because of the food poisoning.
Okay, and the crowds.
I walked through the tiny lot set aside for the carnival rides and Hep-flecked berries on my way to meet a whole posse of gays, and on just a quick little sojourn realized the Strawberry Festival on a weekend night would be about as fun as a good case of crabs.
I met my gays at Azteca and told them I wouldn't be joining them for the festival (or the crabs): packed with people like those Watergate "hospitality suites" were packed with GOP congressmen but without the hookers (or the bribes), the festival (unlike those fun-loving GOP congressmen) wouldn't give much of a return on your money or your time. My gays, of course, didn't believe me. They never do.
The next day (after sleeping off the gastrointestinal distress wrought by just one little bowl of berries and cake), I heard from my Main Gay. "We bought $50 worth of ride tickets," he bitched. "We waited in line for 40 minutes for one ride, we got to the very front, and then they just shut it off."
Maybe people should listen to me more. Or maybe not. Whatever. All I know is while my gays were cooling their heels in a giant mosh pit of jostling humanity, I was enjoying a refreshing beverage at Orange County's premier Mexican Elvis bar and watching on the flat-screens as my Angels whomped Baltimore, courtesy of Vladimir Alvino Guerrero.
"But wait," you're thinking, if "thinking" is the word for what you do when you read my column. "But Orange County, and therefore the Strawberry Festival, wouldn't be so crowded if it weren't for the illegals, and by the way we're a nation of laws and what part of 'illegal' don't you understand?"
To that I say, "Jesus, bigoty* congressional candidate Rosie Avila, don't you ever just zip it? Take off your jaunty Minuteman ball cap (the one with the beer holsters on it) and your Sexy Grandma T-shirt and listen very closely: you are an idiot. Firstly, there's lots of places that are crowded with white people, like jazz clubs, Fontana and the Election Day lunch. Secondly, you might be a mite oversimplifying."
Here's Avila's entire position on "healthcare reform," taken from her website; errors are in the original: "The government should not be paying for benefits for illegal immigrants. We cannot be paying for enforcement and enticements. Having a permanent poor underclass is devastating our healthcare system. With so many working for so little, we are being forced to ration heath care, as in socialist countries and the cost is being driven up. If hospitals were not forced to place the burden of losses due to mandatory healthcare for illegal immigrants on the backs of the insurance companies insurance companies would incur lesser fees from hospitals. Those savings could be passed on to the consumer and more families could afford medical coverage.
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That's right. "Healthcare reform" is solved—just snap your fingers!—by deporting all the illegals, and Rosie Avila is convinced the insurance companies will pass the savings on to you, like the oil companies pass on the savings by sharing those world-record profits they've been reaping. Of course, those savings would probably be wiped out by having to pay higher wages to everyone from the janitorial staff to the nurses' aides. Avila also points out on her website that Social Security is in trouble because we don't have enough workers (she blames abortion for that, but is against welfare to help out women who choose to keep their babies), so a "worker shortage" seems to be a problem Avila wants to fix by getting rid of the workers, while the "permanent poor underclass" that's causing such problems doesn't seem to have dimmed Avila's faith in a free market, whose invisible hand raising the minimum wage would unfairly cripple, and . . . damn, I'm confused. I wonder if Avila is too?
But Avila doesn't hate just Latinos; she hates Muslims, Buddhists and atheists too! All that talk on her website about how our government is based on "biblical principles" is a little fruity; like most Christian fundies, she ignores those parts of the Bible that don't fit into her narrow little worldview—like the part that might seem to command us to love illegal aliens ("The strangers who sojourn with you shall be to you as the natives among you, and you shall love them as yourself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.") and stuff about selling all you own and giving it to the poor. Her ace work on the Santa Ana Unified School Board—like her insistence on abstinence-only education and her constitutionally illiterate push for prayer in school—is ensuring there will be even more Mexican kids at the end of the day (because they'll all be pregnant, get it?) and that I will have to pray very hard for the Lord Our Judeo-Christian God to take away my sinful urge to smite her. Lady, keep your Jesus off my chocolate.
FOOTNOTE: *n.b.: Please don't try to tell me Avila can't be a bigot because she's a Latina immigrant herself; I get called a self-loathing Jew by OC Weekly letter writers all the time. Well, actually, I just get called "Jew."