Illustration by Bob AulLest anyone think Clockwork has been knocked from our perch alongside the nation's media elite because—as of press time, despite repeated trips to our mailbox and desperate calls to the PostMaster General—we had not yet received our anthrax letter, rest assured we were sent something even more maleficent. The bold "TNT" stamp on the front of the bulky envelope subtly hinted at the destructive power of the contents: the press kit for the new Whoopi Goldberg movie Call Me Claus. Included was a videotape of the flick—premiering on the TNT cable network on Dec. 2—that finds Goldberg playing a cynical television producer (just like Bill Murray in Scrooged) who reluctantly fills in for jolly ol' St. Nick (just like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause). If that weren't enough to launch our eggnog, also enclosed was a CD with three songs Garth Brooks did for Call Me Claus. Call me a doctor! BLAAARF! There goes the cranberry sauce! Turns out Whoopi and Garthi co-executive-produced this train wreck, seeing as how their respective fan bases are so similar. Hey, how'd that juicy green spore get on our ass?
SHORT ORDER CROOK The Orange County Sheriff's Department announced Oct. 17 they're still on the lookout for a scumbag who ran into two Coco's restaurants in Mission Viejo and a Ruby's Diner in Laguna Hills Mall and made off with jars filled with donations for Sept. 11 victims. But authorities apparently do have their man in connection with OC's first hate crime since the terrorist attacks. Jason Fulkerson, 31, of Fullerton faces charges of brandishing a weapon and interfering with the civil rights of two Afghan ice cream vendors he allegedly chased down a street with a baseball bat on Sept. 14. And no, he wasn't trying to scare up a game of over the line. GOOD COP, BAD COP Local dignitaries filled a Disneyland Hotel ballroom on Oct. 17 as the Orange County Human Relations Commission presented the 2001 Community-Oriented Policing Awards. Among the winners were the Garden Grove Police Department for its interfaith volunteer and chaplain program, the Huntington Beach Police Department for its domestic-violence emergency-response program, the Orange Police Department for its youth-services bureau, and the Santa Ana Police Department for cleaning up a gang-riddled neighborhood. Nice. But the commission might've considered renting the ballroom next door so it could also present the 2001 Community-Disorienting Policing Awards. Of course, top dishonors should go to the Westminster Police Department (see No. 1 on the 31 Scariest People in OC list). But the Weekly has also previously detailed the shenanigans of the PDs in Garden Grove (racial profiling, posing as sick people to bust a medical-marijuana supplier), Huntington Beach (killing innocents, Fourth of July fascism), Orange (being in on the arrests of two young men for crimes they didn't commit), and Santa Ana (executing an alleged car thief). Of course, unlike the 2001 Community-Oriented Policing Awards, it'd be tough to get county supervisors, KNBC's Vikki Vargas and Mickey Mouse out for such a brutally honest awards presentation. Perhaps Whoopi Goldberg and Garth Brooks are available. READ ALL ABOUT IT Marvin Chavez, the medical-marijuana supplier mentioned in the previous item, read something disturbing in the Oct. 20 edition of The Orange County Register. The district attorney's office announced Chavez, who has been jailed before for distributing medical marijuana, will be charged with growing pot with the intent to sell. Prosecutors told the Reg they believe the sufferer of chronic back pain had too much grass bagged up for personal use, so he'll be arraigned on Nov. 5. That was news to Chavez: no one had informed him he'd been formally charged. At press time, he had yet to receive notification, and he asked us if he should turn himself in.