7 Stupefying Surprises From Tuesday's Election!

You want hyper-local listicles, corporatistas? Well, take a huge whiff of these 7 Stupefying Surprises From Tuesday's Election!* **

*… based on uncertified results from the Orange County Registrar of Voters. **Certified results show Boa Nguyen won the Garden Grove mayor's race, so this post has been updated.

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1) Lotsa No Win Nguyens

The other day, my 79-year-old father-in-law was remarking about all the “Nugg-yoo-eee-inn” campaign signs near his Westminster home. Actually, they were: 1) Pronounced “nuh-WIN”; and, b) Predominantly belonged to eventual election losers throughout Orange County. Of course, one of the biggest Nguyen wins Tuesday went to our new 34th District State Senator Janet Nguyen, who trounced Jose Solorio 60.4 percent to 39.6 percent. Dina Nguyen won an Orange County Water District director seat, and Khanh Nguyen squeaked onto the Westminster School District board. But that last race also saw Samantha Nguyen come in second to last among six candidates seeking three seats. Meanwhile, Bao Nguyen lost to BEAT scummy Garden Grove Mayor Bruce Broadwater. [See: “New, Refreshing Day In Garden Grove: Bao Nguyen Captures Mayor's Office”] Andy Truc Nguyen was defeated in Westminster's mayor race by Tri Ta. In the race where four candidates sought two Westminster City Council seats, Chi Charlie Nguyen came in third. Trung Quang Nguyen came in second to Lawrence R. Larry Labrado in the Rancho Santiago Community College District board race. And in the contest where nine candidates sought three Fountain Valley City Council seats, Tuan Nguyen and Tom Nguyen came in eighth and ninth, respectively.

2) Irvine Ass Whooping

Democrat Larry Agran and his slate's attempt to run Republican Katherine Daigle at Republican incumbent Irvine Mayor Steven Choi to sap votes away and allow Mary Ann Gaido to slide into office? Yeah, that didn't work. Worse for the Dem slate, City Council candidates Melissa Fox and incumbent Agran lost to Lynn Schott and incumbent Jeff Lalloway. Through the 2016 election, that will make Choi, Schott, Lalloway and Councilwoman Christina Shea the majority. Beth Krom remains as the lone Larry loyalist.

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3) Anti-Pot Hysteria Smoked

Suck on this, Denver: Voters in an Orange County city passed two measures to legalize and tax medical marijuana collectives. OK, it was rock 'em, sock 'em (and smoke 'em) Santa Ana, but still … The City Council-backed Measure BB, which sets limits on where dispensaries can be (as in away from schools, parks and homes) and imposes a tax, was carried 65.5 percent to 34.5 percent. The local pot industry backed Measure CC, which adds a tax on top of the city levy and also deals with location, location, location, had a narrower margin of victory, 54.2 percent to 45.8 percent.

4) So Close-ta Mesa

Development stooge/Dana Rohrabacher loyalist/police department shamer Jim Righeimer was first swept into office in 2010 as a City Hall reformer who would privatize services, reduce the government workforce, payroll and pension payouts and turn Costa Mesa into a charter city. Though he was elevated to mayor by his council colleagues, it's been a rocky tenure thanks to pressure by the city employee union. Indeed, they almost managed to bounce Riggy Tuesday, as evidenced by these results (the top two vote-getters win): Katrina Foley, 6,667 votes, 26.4 percent; Righeimer, 5,414, 21.4 percent; Jay Humphrey, 5,393, 21.3 percent. Is re-counter a union position?

5) If at First You Don't Succeed, Lose, Lose Again

Having lost one well-financed attempt to turn Costa Mesa into a charter city at the polls by 20 percent two years ago, proponents (including Righeimer) rebranded it as “home rule” and empaneled “regular folks” to write a new charter proposal for Tuesday's election. Nice try: This time the measure lost by 26.8 percent.

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6) SJC, WTF?

Dummies in San Juan Capistrano returned Derek Reeve to the City Council. You may know him from such past Weekly coverage as: Councilman Wants to Allow Guns in San Juan Capistrano Parks; Derek Reeve, San Juan Capistrano Council's Goofball Pro Tem, Calls for Arming Teachers; Derek Reeve, SJC Councilman, Loses Teaching Gig as Newspaper and Website Scrum Over Plagiarism; Derek Reeve, SJC Councilman in News All Year for Knuckleheadedness and Plagiarism, Scoffs at Integrity of His Middle Eastern Students; and Bill O'Reilly Pins the Head of SJC Councilman Derek Reeve for Naming Family Dog Muhammad.

7) Blame The Partnership

If voters in a sliver of Orange County can legitimize Derek Reeve, what's Steve Rocco? Chopped liver? Actually, more like chopped SmokeCraft sausage. The lovable reincarnated Andy Kaufman sticky ketchup-fingered conspiracy theorist not only lost his bid to rejoin the Orange Unified School District Governing Board, he came in third out of three candidates, with a paultry 11.2 percent of the vote. The answer to how this stunning loss can possibly be explained is now revealed in a spill on aisle 5 of your local Albertsons.

Email: mc****@oc******.com. Twitter: @MatthewTCoker. Follow OC Weekly on Twitter @ocweekly or on Facebook!