Ladies, I've got a secret for you: Men don't like Valentine's Day.
I mean, we just got over the pressure of the holidays and now we're expected to come up with more gifts to show our love and appreciation. And do we ever get it right? Of course not. We're guys and we suck.
But we know if we play our cards right, tonight's almost a slam dunk in the bedroom. With this on our minds, we're acting all soft and cute with our roses, cards, teddy bears and chocolates, but what we're really thinking about is getting naked with you. (To be fair, we're also thinking about how to get you naked on the other 355 days of the year, but tonight, the odds of that happening are much higher and we like when the odds are in our favor.)
So while you're thinking about how he went to Jared or how every kiss begins with Kay, plain and simple, we're thinking about fucking you. Just so you can't say I didn't warn you, here's the soundtrack to what's going through our minds as you gorge yourself on chocolates and white wine spritzers.
The Dwarves -- "Let's Fuck"
Is there anything I can say about this song that the title doesn't already say? The answer is no. However, it's not often that I can squeezethe Dwarves
into a list and it's even less often when I can quote the lyrics ""Old enough to bleed/old enough to breathe/old enough to pee/then she is old enough for me." In fact, this song is so genius (and short), let me quote nearly the entire song for those of you who don't speak punk (by that, I mean people who aren't good at deciphering fast songs): "Eyeballs for breakfast/jack off for lunch/I'd like you better if you had a fucking cunt/let's fuck/I'm made of rubber/you're made of glue/I wanna stick my fucking cock inside of you/let's fuck." The awesome thing aboutthe Dwarves
is that this isn't the only song that could have made this list. Other nominees included "Who's Fucking Who," "Fuck 'Em All" and "Fuck You Up and Get High." Come to think of it, maybe the latter would have been a better selection.
Bikini Kill -- "I Like Fucking"
I figuredBikini Kill
would be the ultimate balance tothe Dwarves
. Plus, what guy doesn't enjoy hearing a song with female vocals called "I Like Fucking?" Granted, I'm almost positive this tune has nothing to do with what us guys want it to be about, but still. We're dumb and once we hear the words "I like fucking," we pretty much shut down. PS What's "troll guy reality?" PPS By not knowing what "troll guy reality" means, that's almost a given that I'm a troll guy, right?
Dr. Dre -- "Fuck You"
Goddamn this is a great song. The production is killer,Dre
sounds like a beast,Devin theDude
would rather "keep the breakfast in bed/I'd rather spend my morning digging through some records instead" andSnoop
hasn't sound like fly sinceDoggystyle
. There are so many quotable lines on this track that I don't even know where to begin. And another thing...I know this is an unpopular opinion, butChronic 2001
is way better thanThe Chronic
. And that says a lot, cuz I love me someChronic
Notorious B.I.G. -- "Fuck Me"
To be fair, this "song" is all aboutLil' Kim
and has almost nothing to do withBiggie
, but I included it because it's a good example for how us shitty dudes want our females to act later tonight. Ladies, take note becauseKim
pretty much spells it out for you.
Snoop Dogg ft. Akon -- "I Wanna Fuck You"
I'm guessing it's a lot less creepy whenSnoop
tells a girl he wants to fuck them than when a loser like me says it.
Xzibit -- "Fuckin' You Right"
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I love howXzibit
wrote a song explaining his cheating to his girl. Basically, he's trying to say that he was practicing on those other girls so he could give it even better to his main squeeze. I don't know about you, but that makes perfect sense to me.