Sarah Colonna Doesn't Do Skype Sex

What, am I an accident?
What, am I an accident?

Comedian and best-selling author Sarah Colonna is at it again with her first hour long special, I Can't Feel My Legs, premiering on Comedy Dynamics Tuesday, October 27th. Sarah is offering up candid, relatable hilarity and we're here to suggest that you set those DVR's now. After watching her special ourselves, we can't help but to feel we want to know her better. And what better way to do that than to hit this quick witted woman with a random round of quick questions? Yes. That was rhetorical.

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Real quick, I was just noticing with I Can't Feel My Legs and Has Anyone Seen My Pants it seems like you might have a lower torso fetish.

Sarah Colonna: I know right? I didn't even think about that honestly, I just thought it was a funny title. Later on I was like, oh pants, yeah. I actually named it before that song "I Can't Feel my Face" came out and now I feel like I copied that but, that's OK.

Got it. Alright, what's your favorite word? Hmm...my favorite word. That's funny. Well, the first thing that came to mind was cake, but I don't even really like cake that much. Most of my favorite words are probably R-rated and you can't write that down.

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Uhhh, yeah I can. Lay it on me. Well, would you consider "twat" a curse word? I really like that word a lot. I don't think that word is used enough. Twat is good because if you're mad at someone and you call them a twat, it really sums it up. There is no question in anyone's mind as to what you mean by that.

I'm down with that. OK, how often do you think about sex? A lot because my finance doesn't live here so we don't see each other often enough. So I probably think about it way more than a healthy woman should. I think it's good to think about it obviously but, I'd say I think about it more than a comfortable amount. It's not my fault.

Hello? Skype sex? You know, I've never done the Skype thing. I feel like it would be so weird. One of my friends always tells me I'm crazy because it's fantastic. She's single though so I don't know who she's Skype fucking. [Laughs.] For some reason I just think I am too self-conscious about the angles and if I don't see him for a couple of weeks I don't want him to be like, what's going on with your body? I feel like in person is always better so you can see exactly what's going on. That way you don't have to depend on the lighting and position of the laptop too.

Coming from another single gal, I think you should get on that. OK. [Laughs.] It's good to know what you guys are up to!

What would your superpower be? OK, I don't know how to explain this but, it would be to get the people who are mean on social media to have to come face-to-face with the person that they said something about. I don't know if that's a super power but if I could zap that person from their parents' basement where they are tweeting terrible things to right in front of the person that they said it about, that would be it.

That should legit be a reality show. I know, right? I actually told my agents that once because it's a great idea. They told me something like that already exists but I don't remember seeing that! It'd be so fantastic!

Can you imagine? Knock knock, what's up now asshole? Amazing. Have you ever watched someone's Periscope video and actually liked it? [Laughs.] That's a great question. Usually it's annoying and I'm trying to be better at it but then I just feel like I'm annoying. It's like taking everything boring on Facebook and making a video. I'm a Howard Stern fan and I've watched Jeff the Drunk on there a lot. It's fascinating, I just can't turn it off. It's like a car crash or something. I like Vine a lot better because it's only 8 seconds and that's all you get. I find them really entertaining. Then we as Americans just had to ruin it like everything by taking it a bit too far.

Ha! So true. How often do you clear the history on your computer? It's funny because I clear out my phone all of the time but I don't even know why. I'm not really looking up dirty things but I do look up weird things. The combination of words might seem strange so I do it probably a few times a week.

I'm with you. If ever I'm going to get in trouble it's going to be for the things I Google. Yeah! You can Google "dude having sex with a bench" or something like that and I'm not looking because I want to see it happen, I just want to read the story because someone told me about it.

Yeah, save that one for the judge. Do you have a nickname? My dad always called me "bones" but I don't know why.

Maybe because you're skinny? No! But I'm not! I'm not bones for sure! So he's always called me that and my mom has always called me "boo-boo" which is much worse. Because I don't know why. What, am I an accident? I don't know what happened.

Haha I didn't even think of that. I immediately went to Honey Boo Boo. Yeah, no, she's called me that forever which is even worse! I thought it was cute and then I grew up and was like, that kind of means accident!

Well now that we know your mom's, what is your most drunken regret? [Laughs.] Do you need names? No, probably it was sending drunken texts. I don't do that anymore but definitely after being like, I'm not seeing that guy anymore and a few drinks, the drunken texts start. So basically, all of my drunken texts are regretful.

I'm totally guilty of that. It's the worst! What's the weirdest thing that you've bought on-line? This is easy. A poster of the very old Playgirl spread with Burt Reynolds naked on a bearskin rug. I bought that! My mom used to have it in her room when she and my dad got a divorce. She hung it up as like some sort of fuck you to my dad. [Laughs.] So then for some reason one day, I looked for it on-line because I thought it'd be funny to buy it and hang it in my bedroom. Someone I was dating was like, you need to take that down, it's weird. So yeah, I had to take it down.

And, there's another questionable thing we've clearly both Googled. Got any hidden talents you want to brag about? This is going to sound sexual but it's not because I just thought it was funny as a kid when I figured it out. And I feel pretty good about saying this at forty so, I can still put my feet behind my head. I feel like that's pretty impressive, like I'm some kind of contortionist. I mean, it doesn't look good and I wouldn't recommend doing it but, I feel like it's a pretty good talent that I can still get them back there.

I'm going to say you're wrong about the way it looks...on Skype. [Laughs.] No, because then your belly is all folded, it would suck. It's definitely nothing that I've ever showed a guy in "that way." It's just a fun party trick to do. In my twenties probably. With my pants on.

Did you know that there is a website that finds your first tweet? No! Do you know what mine was?

I sure do. It was, "Wondering when they started putting jokes on string cheese. Weird." Hmmm. [Laughs.] I'm proud to know I've improved significantly. Yeah, let me apologize to anyone who has followed me from the beginning and thank you for sticking with me.

Preach. Who's number one on your celebrity fuck-it list? I'm a big fan of The Ryan Gosling. He's a real pretty guy. And, he looks a little like he's always in a bad mood and I like that.

I like that you called him "The" Ryan Gosling. [Laughs.] That was just to ensure that you knew which one I was talking about.

OK, hit me with the best advice you've been given. Honestly this is going to sound so cheesy and unoriginal but, it's just to never give up. My mom always said that and it's been some of the best advice I've been given. I remember a couple of times, career wise, when I didn't know if things were going to work out and I used that advice and it all did work out OK.

Be sure to tune in for "Sarah Colonna: I Can't Feel My Legs" this Tuesday (October 27th) on Comedy Dynamics. For more on Sarah, check out her website www.SarahColonna.com, become a fan on Facebook, follow her on Instagram, and on Twitter on @SarahColonna.

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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