I'm just trying to help you bitch!
I'm just trying to help you bitch!
Mike Carano

Ralphie May Tells Me the Truth About My Love Life. And It's Brutal.

I've gotten pretty close to Ralphie May over the years. I've probably interviewed him half a dozen times for the Weekly alone. I'm also pretty good friends with his wife Lahna Turner at this point (if you remember my last article about finding slobs on Match.com). If you know Ralphie's comedy, then you know he doesn't sugar coat shit. My latest conversation with him started by accident, but once May started dropping bombs on me about my love life, I just knew I had to record it and use it. The convo and the advice.

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): OK so since you know me personally, I need some advice on my future man because you've known a few of my past ones.

Ralphie May: Right. You make bad choices in dudes and you fixate on them, because you are a fucking fixer. You need to knock it the fuck off. You find guys interesting that live on the edge or that like to talk about crazy shit but guess what? Every guy wants to fuck. And most guys aren't even that good at it. They don't have to talk about it all of the time for it to be there. You want some crazy fuck because you're a dirty broad but you know what? Nice guys are into that shit too. You don't have to go with an asshole.

Yeah, I do kinda of have a type...

You do and you should never go with a comic because we're fucking retarded. You're not a chuckle fucker, you're not a groupie, you're one of the crew. Occasionally, you're going to get fucked by one of us and that's OK but, you need to meet somebody during the day. And I don't know, maybe don't wear so much fucking black!

Ha!! But black makes my eyes pop!

Of course but this is all shit that you need to hear, baby! You need to pop those titties and that ass. You don't have to worry about your eyes! That's not even in the top ten things that guys are looking at first.

But what kind of dirt bag am I going to attract if I am just trying to pop my titties and ass?

You're trying to catch fish and that's fine. Some people catch with a net and some people catch with a line. You gotta find specific guys that have quality traits and that are quality humans. You're coming at this like a 26-year-old woman, like you have plenty of time. Like that "so many fish in the sea" bullshit. Let me break it down for you. There were cave painters and then there were hunters and gatherers. Not everyone can be a cave painter, a writer, an actor, or a stand-up comedian, some people gotta make the donuts baby. This is real shit and you gotta understand that if you want to get the partner that you want, you gotta change the game because you're fucking god damn funny and you're a sweetheart.

See, my concern is that the "donut maker" that you speak of is not going to be as outgoing as me.

That's what you want though! Then you're the odd couple! You want one person funny and you want one that is straight and will tip the valet when you are talking and entertaining your friends. You can't both be interesting.

But I want that! I feel like I need a funny guy who shares my sick sense of humor.

Of course you want that but I want a hundred million dollars, and I ain't getting it! Quit going for the Mr. Potato Head that you built in your head and go for a regular guy who is nice and considerate. You can work with anybody if they support you. You need someone to put you on a pedestal not someone who'll put you on a chair and then knock it out from under you. You need a guy to worship you and make you feel pretty, one to tell you that you look beautiful. And I don't care if hardcore Ali Lerman can't handle that because the truth is, you're still a woman. And until the world stops spinning, women need that reinforcement. All of those things are what you need because stabbing is just a momentary fix.

Stabbing? Hysterical! What I'm hearing is that the bottom line is, I need an everyday guy because I am a handful all by myself.

Yeah, fuck a guy who just got out of law school or something! You've got so much more to offer but you constantly get in the way of yourself by making bad choices. Just be with a nice guy, OK? Do you know how nice you are? How considerate and how funny you are? Do you know how enjoyable you are to conversate with? You flow! You just filled out all of the questions for online dating so go out on a few dates! You know what? You might find something great and you'll have something else to write about. Or, you might find total shit and that's still great because you're a comedy writer! I bet if you wrote that it'd get picked up all over the place, you just have to put it out there. That story needs to be told because there are tons of women like you.

You have a lot to give, you want to be loved, you want a regular man, and you're not some psycho feminist that always has to be by herself to prove her strength. When you get it, and are getting steady fucked, you know you're loved, and you're wrapped in that security blanket of support, I bet your insomnia will go away too. I've had insomnia my entire life and the only time I sleep well is when I sleep next to Lahna. You'll get it all and I'm here to help you, bitch!

Be sure to follow Ralphie on Twitter @Ralphie_May and check out when he'll be in your town on his website www.RalphieMay.com.

See also: Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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