Lisa Lampanelli Would Be a Fantastic Mom for Many Reasons

I have way too many pet peeves to list because I'm effing crazy.
I have way too many pet peeves to list because I'm effing crazy.
Dan Dion

Lisa Lampanelli is dubbed the "lovable queen of mean" for a good reason. On stage, LL knocks out crowds with her sharp tongued comedy but off stage, she's a god damn sweetheart. She'll be gigging at the City National Grove of Anaheim for one night only on August 15th and if you haven't had the chance to see her do her thing, you have to get in on this show! If you have seen her before and you just can't wait to see what she'll be saying next, well, your chance is right around the corner. Before the show, she was good enough to let us fire a few questions at her.

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Tell me what your first time on stage was like.

Lisa Lampanelli: Oh my god! That's so funny that you ask because that's part of my Broadway show. I really did great. Every comic bombs eventually and usually, it's on their first time so I think it was almost like a sign. I was in the mind set like, I'm just going to do this once and if I'm horrible and there is no hope, I'm not going to beat a dead horse. So I had that in mind and did this comedy show that was part of a class that I had taken from a guy named Michael Jackson. But this was a different Michael Jackson because this one was black. Anyway, I ended up getting enough laughs and high-fives so I figured I'd try it at least a few more times.

Thank god! Would you ever do a reality show?

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I actually pitched one to Logo TV called, "Big Loud Lisa." I still think that's a great name even though I'm a lot smaller physically because I'm loud and big in other ways. I probably wouldn't do one at this point unless it was trying to make people over or helping people in some type of way. I think that would be a lot of fun to do.

Yes! Seeing you makeover people would be tremendous since you've had such a transformation yourself. Do you have any superstitions?

No. Not at all. I do have a belief in karma though and I think if you screw someone over, it's going to definitely get you in the end. But I don't think that's a superstition. It's more like a hope that anyone who screwed me over will die early somehow.

Hilarious. What about pet peeves? Do you have any of those?

I have lots of them! I hate overweight stewardesses because I remember the old days when they were hot. Now I gotta look at these bitches who look like Shrek 1 and Shrek 2. I hate people who stare at my dog because he's barking at their dog and they don't know that it's just a dog's way of saying hello. It makes me want to pummel their little dogs. It's like duh! That's a dog's language for "hello" not "I want to bite you" douche. Like a pit-bull is scared of my seven pound dog named Parker? Please! I have way too many pet peeves to list because I'm effing crazy. There's always something that bothers me!

I'm with ya! So if Hollywood made a movie about your life, who would you want to play you?

Drew Barrymore because I think she's a realistically attractive woman as a bump-up for me. Like, Drew's really, really cute and me being played by Ms. Universe is not going to work out. If they puttied her nose to make it bigger and put her in a fat suit for the first half of my life, I think Drew could maybe pull it off because she's a good enough actress.

Now that you are single again, what's a total deal breaker for you with the opposite sex?

It's different now because I'm going through a divorce so I have new deal breakers that I didn't have before. Now it would probably be someone who makes less money than me because I saw that it's pretty difficult for both the guy and a girl. Also someone who doesn't have any soul either. You know, someone who doesn't have empathy and can't feel for other people is a huge one. Even though I insult everybody on stage, I kind of feel terrible if that happens off stage. I think those are two big ones for me right now. But, that could change if I meet someone really hot who has no soul.  

Yeah, hotness does trump sometimes. Tell me this, what do you think about hickeys?

Hickeys? You mean the things where people bite on your neck? Oh god that's such an old-fashion thing! Is that coming back in style? They're disgusting and awful! I remember having one in high school and I told my mom I burned my neck with a curling iron. That's not even realistic! That's horrible.

Shit, that's the excuse everyone uses! So funny. Speaking of teenage shenanigans, do you think Justin Bieber is a douchebag or a misunderstood kid?

I just think he is really spoiled so I'd love to be his mother for a week. I would love to show him how people who throw eggs at houses should really get punished!

I would watch the "Lisa Lampanelli is Your Mom For a Week" reality show. That would be amazing! So what else can we look forward to from you this year?

I've been developing my one-woman show for Broadway and we have some offers so that's actually finally happening. You know, you work on one of these things for three, four, five years and you just have to wait for the timing. Wait! That's the biggest pet peeve! I can't even believe I forgot that. People who ask someone with a full-time job, what else are you working on? Like comedy isn't a full-time job! That is one of the worst question anyone can ask because it says what you're doing isn't good enough. I mean no one asks their dentist, hey, what's next for you?

But you know I meant that in the, "I want to see more of you because I can't get enough of you" kind of way, right?

I'm not talking about you because I know you're a super pro at this and really cool, it's just good to put it out there for others though. It's like saying what you're doing is just a stepping stone on the way to something legitimate. Comedy is legitimate, your end goal is to stand on stage and make people laugh, and if that's not good enough well, we ain't curing cancer but we're definitely doing a lot better than other people are!

OK give me some guidance because you know I worship comics and I wouldn't want to come across like I don't respect their work.

Oh no no! It doesn't come across like that to me because when I saw your name come up for an interview I was like, I know that bitch! I think a better way to word the question is, "even though stand-up is such a great job and obviously a full-time job gig, do you want me to promote anything else for you?" That way you're putting it on you instead of them. When I saw Joan Rivers documentary it really hit me when she said she didn't feel legitimate because she didn't do acting and she was only a comic. And she's a legend! I was like, only a comic? There's nothing wrong with that!

Agreed! So I now know the best advice I've ever received, what's the best advice you've been given?

See how we learn things? Isn't that great? If nobody tells you, you never know! The best advice I've ever gotten, let me think. It's all so boring. I like this one even though it sounds super queer, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." It's ironic because I say it mean on stage, but it's an act. So in real life, I try to say what I mean but don't say it mean.

I love that because I'd say 99% of the comics I interview are totally different than their act.

Oh yeah! And if they aren't, there is something mentally wrong with them. You can't be on all of the time. That's just a little bit weird!

Check out Lisa Lampanelli at the City National Grove of Anaheim August 15th, 2200 East Katella Avenue Anaheim CA 92806, (714) 712-2700. Grab your tickets at www.citynationalgroveofanaheim.com. For more info, go to www.InsultComic.com and follow her on Twitter @LisaLampanelli.

See also: Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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