Just when you think 2013 is in the bag and there's little left to do, that little nugget of joy known as Justin Bieber strikes again. In case you were out celebrating Christmas Eve with your family or shopping for them against the deadline, you missed the “big news.” In case you care, the Biebs took to Twitter announced his “retirement” from music. Whatever that means.
Either this can be construed as a clever way to call attention to Bieber's latest film, Justin Bieber's Believe, or a lame way, keep the conversation about him going. Admittedly, it's been a funny year to talk about the pop star. He's been a constant source of unintentional comedy with his antics being more outrageous than the last. If he wasn't pissing off Keyshawn Johnson, he infuriated people with good taste with his Anne Frank house stunt. But this, this may be the whammy.
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Why, of all days, would Bieber decide to break his teenaged fans hearts by making this announcement? Did he want them to wake up with coal in their Christmas stockings? Better yet, and more selfishly, the Biebs severely screwed with every music writer on the pop music beat when he decided to make this stupid announcement. They had to stop what they were doing, which was probably nothing all too eventful, to post a quick announcement and some fake analysis on what it all means.
The fact that no one is surprised or reacting to this announcement, at least in the media, is refreshing. Firstly, you can't retire when you haven't reached your twenties. Secondly, does anyone seriously think the pint sized pop star is really giving up the glitz and glamor that his current lifestyle offers to pursue other ventures? It seems like, judging by his tastes in automobiles, that Bieber likes living the high life way too much to give it all up.
So what does this all mean? Absolutely nothing. Just like it did when Jay Z released his Black Album in 2003. But unlike Hova, who in this writer's opinion, released his finest work at that time, Bieber's brightest (if you want to call them that) days are far, far behind him. With each stunt, he continues to travel down the path of crazy, which as former pop darlings like Britney Spears can attest, once you go there, it's hard not to get laughed at.
In that regard, I suppose Bieber's “announcement” was the greatest gift a condescending music writer could ask for. The only path for him, as Yoda once said, is darkness. And it's going to get bad, like meltdown bad. If you thought that hilariously awful pic of him at the Miami Heat was great, just wait for what's coming next. Thanks Justin Bieber, you provided some holiday cheer for the cynic in all of us!
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Daniel Kohn is a writer based in Southern California. With bylines in an assortment of outlets, Kohn primarily specializes in music with other interests ranging from sports to food. As a transplant, Kohn loves the beautiful weather and is glad he no longer has to deal with brutal winters. If you see him, say hi and of course, he’s always willing to down a beer or two…if you’re paying.