Today is Howard Stern's 58th birthday and that means time for gifts. But what do you get the man who maybe doesn't have everything but most certainly can afford it? I sure as hell don't know, but here are four suggestions for the King of All Media, who in case you didn't know, broadcasts at SiriusXM and will soon become a judge on America's Got Talent.
1. A Better Schedule
Sure, Stern works only three days a week, but for those three days, he's still on the air by 6 a.m. I'm sorry, but if I was the King of All Media, I would have preferred working five days a week and coming in at noon. But that's just me. And now that he's going to be flying around the country for America's Got Talent auditions (he hates flying) and staying out past 9 p.m. on work nights (America's Got Talent is filmed live at 8 p.m.), those early mornings are going to suck for him. Stern's loss, however, is the audience's gain because a mad/grumpy/tired Stern makes for radio gold, which is why people such as myself pay $15 a month in the first place. Besides, dude is worth something like a bazillion dollars. He's got a younger, attractive wife and reportedly has his own bowling alley at his Hamptons residence. He can suck it up a few days.
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2. A George Foreman Grill
This has nothing to do with Stern, per se, but I've given George Foreman Grills to people as gifts a few times and the same thing always happens. The birthday boy/girl unwraps my package and gives me one of those, "Ooooohh. A George Foreman Grill. Cool," vibes. Two weeks later, I get a phone call telling me their lives have changed thanks to the lil' grill that could. Seriously, this shit rules and I highly suggest buying one for yourself and two for people you love. Now that Stern has gone pescatarian, he can use good ol' George to cook some tofu, tempeh or seitan (or fish, I suppose) in literally a matter of minutes. If Stern's radio personality is anything like his off-air persona, listeners know that he has zero patience and even less attention span. I mean, the guy hangs up on callers who want to tell him how awesome he is just because he thinks those calls slow down the show. With George helping out at dinner, Stern will be hungry one minute and have a plate of food in front of him with 240 seconds.
3. A Sideman
Ever since comedian Artie Lange tried to kill himself by shoving a knife onto him nine times, the Stern Show has been without a funnyman at Stern's side. That leaves the on-air players as Stern, Fred Norris and Robin Quivers (with writer Benjy Bronk chiming in here and there). While the show has been entertaining since Lange's departure two years ago, avid listeners know there's something missing and that something is a full-time comedian to tell stories and write one-liners for the host. I nominate myself and I am not joking. I've been a diehard fan since 1997 and God knows I ain't got shit keeping me in Southern California. Hell, I'll even fly out every week if I have to. I know this is a long shot, so just to be fair, how about former head writer Jackie Martling? Not only were his one-liners often insensitive and rude (and fucking hilarious), the drama Martling brought to the show was often the best part of my morning commute. We've all worked with that person who you just want to ask, "Dude, what the fuck is up with you?" and that's exactly what Stern did with Martling. So bring him back already.
4. Penile Enlargement
The King of All Media has made a name for himself for many reasons -- strippers, porn stars and asking celebrities about their sex lives to name a few -- but the most endearing aspect of the Stern schtick is his constant reference to his less than average genitalia. Women who have been with him have often played down this rumor, but I don't care what they say. You give me a guy with an audience as large as Stern's and tell me that he has no problem telling his listeners that he's short in the pants and I'll give you a guy I admire and respect. The beauty of it is that Stern probably doesn't have a small penis, but the only way for women to find out is to get him naked. See? The man's a genius.