Eric Schwartz Is Smooth When it Comes to Selfies but Not Technology.

Eric Schwartz Is Smooth When it Comes to Selfies but Not Technology.

[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

Singing, rapping, beat boxing, dropping jokes and all while hiding a sick belly rolling skill? All of the aforementioned could possibly be what comedian Eric Schwartz does best. And as infuriating as it may be that Schwartz is fucking multi-talented, it turns out that off stage, he's a super humble guy with a lot more to say. And yeah, it's all generally funny as well. We decided to get some extra humor tidbits out of Eric's brain that is masked by a slick dome before he headlines at the Irvine Improv July 17th by hitting him with our Quick Questions game that we've grown to love so much. We don't want to spoil it for you...kidding, we don't give a shit so spoiler alert: Schwartz aka Smooth-E nails these answers to the god damn wall!

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Who ranks higher on your scales, Michael Jackson or Prince?

Eric Schwartz: Oh man. I'd say Michael Jackson because his influence is way bigger and, he used to sleep in an oxygen bed. He didn't really care! The oxygen bed is like a pure form of awesome!

Yeah so how'd that work out for him by the way?

[Laughs.] Yeah really. Well I'd say Michael Jackson entertainment wise but heath wise, I'd say Prince. It's so weird because Michael was like, I'll breathe pure oxygen but then to fall asleep, give me pure drugs.

Seriously strange. If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?

I'd probably get an oxygen bed. [Laughs.] If I had the money I'd probably be so sadistic to myself. Like after I took one trip to a tropical location, I'd probably use the money to make a movie or something. I probably wouldn't take it easy for the rest of my life. I'd be like, I'm gonna make YouTube videos with this! I'll be the biggest budget YouTube video you've ever seen!

Did you have a backup plan if this whole comedy thing didn't work out for you?

I started as a DJ doing bar mitzvahs and stuff. That's why I'm so glad that comedy worked out because I was really getting sick of being hit in the head with party favors by 13 year-old punks.

I bet you didn't get sick of playing Ice Ice Baby though. I mean, how could you?

Yeah. And after the thousandth time you do the chicken dance, you're ready to become a vegetarian.

Mozel! Which do you like better, Facebook or Twitter?

This is actually a really interesting question because my Twitter just started blowing up so I wasn't really into until recently. So definitely Facebook because you can do more with it. I feel like with only 140 characters, you are so limited.

Well some might say that 140 characters is too many...

True. But Facebook is good because you can see people's pictures. It's just a more complete experience I feel. There is just more you can do on there.

Haha, every reason you mentioned is exactly the opposite of the way I feel about it.

[Laughs.] You just want to get what you want and get out! I mean as a performer, there's more you can do production wise with it. If I'm putting on a show, I want to put on a show! And I can put on more of a show on Facebook. The thing I will say though is now that everyone is posting these videos, it's getting more of my time. I'm just like, oh I'll click on this one and I'll click on this one. Then you are like, why did I click on that? I feel like people are posting videos that they shouldn't be posting too. The other day I saw a video of a woman who just realized that she was overweight, because she was on drugs in the subway. She was like, "Why am I so fat?" It was a private moment that should have not been exploited. But then on the other hand, I saw another video that was a ram running around in public and just ramming people. That was pretty funny. Sorry, that was a long ass answer. [Laughs.] So Facebook over Twitter.

It's all good. By the way, did the ram yell out "WorldStar" after it rammed people?

[Laughs.] I think it was in Mexico so they would yell, "estrella del mundo!" I guess that's the thing you gotta do now yell, "WorldStar!"

Indeed it is! If they made a movie about your life one day, who would you want to play you?

Meryl Streep. I know she doesn't look like me but I saw her in "The Iron Lady" and I think she could pull it off!

I'm with you because I'm convinced Meryl is god. What song do you play the most in your car?

OK here it is. It's Black Moon "Ack Like U Want It." The reason is because I can't figure out how to make it stop! It starts with an "A" so it starts automatically when I plug my phone into my car! Guess what the second most played song is?

Ummm..."A Hazy Shade of Winter" by the Bangles? "ABC" by The Jackson 5? No, it's "Adult Education" by Hall and Oates. These are two songs that I don't particularly even like but because they are alphabetically listed and I can't figure out the technology, I hear them all of the time.

OK you need to read an instruction manual or something! What is your take on selfies? Do you think they are annoying or do you think they are enraging?

Well I guess I'm going to find them annoying of you're going to only give me those two choices! I feel like selfies are the ultimate indulgence in photography because not only is the person being so narcissistic having a picture of themselves, but they're also like, "I'm also the photographer!" [Laughs.] They're not only the subject, they're the talent behind taking the picture.

Holy shit. I love that to no end! They're also the editor too because they're like, "hashtag no filter."

[Laughs.] Yeah they're like, no filter, that's all me! It's all my beauty and my talent! Can you imagine a movie like that? I starred in it, directed it, I'm the cinamaphotogher, and the writer. What's ironic is that I have a documentary called "Selfie" that I made when I was making my stand-up special. As I was making it, I did selfie vlogs, so I called it "Selfie."

OK that might be the only thing "selfie" related thing that I actually want to see. Alright Eric, let's go out with a bang here with the best advice you've ever received.

It was from my mom and she said, "Don't let anyone tell you what to do in life, not even me." And I said, shut up! Kidding...

See also: Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

Catch Eric Schwartz at the all new Irvine Improv July 17th 31 Fortune Dr., Irvine, CA 92618, (949) 854-5455. For tickets go to For more info check out his website, watch his newest special "Surrender to the Blender" on Hulu, subscribe to his YouTube page, and follow him on Twitter @EricSchwartz. Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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