Eight Coachella 2017 Fashion Trends That Need to Disappear
And whatever you do, don't dye your fucking pets...ever!
Coachella used to be the premiere festival where music and culture collided and where people embraced their inner wild child and let loose for a few days of carefree fun. However, due to the rise of social media and ever-fluctuating pop culture trends, the Coachella crowd is now an entirely different beast, hellbent on discovering that one thing with the highest shock value and going above and beyond beat it to death. While many do try to emulate what's been done before, it lacks any originality and fun. From straight nudity to mass-produced body decor, here are all of trends we hope to not see at next year's festival.
Self-expression can be a beautiful thing, but whatever it is you’re trying to say by leaving your glutes exposed to the world, we don’t want to hear it. Something clearly inspired you to drop trou and represent for that ‘Chella life, but the other 100,000 of us seem to have missed the memo. If you wouldn’t wear it past your momma as you leave the house or wear it on a typical night out on the town, then why the sudden urge to act grown and sexy in front of hundreds of thousands of complete strangers? Let’s face it, if you pulled this stunt in public, you’d be promptly escorted out if not denied entry entirely, and possibly even arrested for indecent exposure. But here are you are at Coachella, ass out and without a care in the world. You wanted the attention and you got it — now everyone is watching you frolic into the desert oasis and wondering why you seem to have forgotten to wear pants.
Straight from the social media pages of every Coachella first-timer comes the borrowed and tired bohemian look. Thanks to celebrities like Paris Hilton and Vanessa Hudgens, aka: the celebrity Coachella queens, fans found inspiration in their vintage California garb and decided to imitate the fashion icons. However, it’s been years and no one has brought anything new to the table, but simply continued to bite everyone else’s stereotypical SoCal style. Often completing the flowy, late-spring look are some sort of impractical but cute shoes, a fringed accessory and the basic girl’s wide-brimmed hat. It’s even worse when an entire group coordinates outfits. With all of that loose-fitting clothing, remember: if you’re going to lay, sit or roll around on the ground as you come down from your mystery high, please plan ahead and put on underwear. Everyone not interested in seeing your crotch thanks you.
Look, Halloween is almost six months away. While it’s cool to dress up — especially in support of an artist you happen to love — you probably look like you’re either about to do or have already done a bunch of drugs. Not only does the desert get hot close to the festival dates, but walking around in all of that synthetic fabric can’t be comfortable, especially after several hours. It’s true that your unique form of dress does make for an interesting conversation starter, but truthfully you’ll always be that person people take photos with or of because of how ridiculous you look.
Undergarments are just that, and yet somehow they’ve transitioned into outerwear. Thanks to celebs constantly baring their intimates for the world to see, pop culture now mandates that the more you can see, the better, but we’ll have to respectfully disagree. What happened to good old fashioned flirtation? Just because you’ve got it doesn’t mean that you necessarily need to flaunt it, and frankly the majority of the offenders don’t have it. The hypersexuality of Coachella fashion is incredible and the amount of courage it takes to bare it all is commendable. On the flipside, the lack of concern about running into family, friends or even co-workers is worrisome. Honestly, people should be more concerned about the dust settling into every exposed crevice and weird tans lines that won’t go away so easily.
Face Gems and Temporary Tattoos
Each time someone walks past sporting sticker gems or temporary tattoos, that scene from Mean Girls when Karen bedazzled her chest with an inverted rhinestone “K” comes to mind. Ordinarily, taking the time to carefully glue a bunch of fake gems on your face might warrant a verbal compliment or a high five, but not when every three people in a sea of over 100,000 are wearing the same exact thing. By the end of the night, the adhesive will become so irritating that you’ll end up furiously picking at your hard work and regretting the hip decision you made 12 hours earlier in the day. But if that’s not fun enough, you’ll have a blast explaining the untanned outlines from where the gems were strategically placed on your face when you return to work on Monday.
You’d assume that anything christened “the herpes of the craft world” would deter both guys and girls from abusing it, but no. That description couldn’t be any more accurate since that crap gets everywhere and doesn’t go away, so covering one’s self in glitter is one of those fashion faux pas that’s borderline unforgivable. Not only will the gross blend of sweat and sunscreen ensure it sticks to your skin for eternity, but you’ll get a good bicep workout in as you try and fail to scrub it all off at the end of the night.
There’s that scene of momentary realization in Knocked Up when Paul Rudd’s character states “I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.” And it’s true — bubbles are still really fun and tend to bring out the kid in all of us. However, that momentary trip down memory lane suddenly becomes fleeting the second someone abuses the the magical, floating spheres expressly for looking cool. Although technically not an article of clothing, the amount of people seen trying to manipulate the old school toy in a way that requires an in-depth photoshoot has essentially turned it into a fashion accessory.
This one goes out to the girl who thought it’d be stylish to experience Coachella in Christian Louboutins and the guy doing his best to scrub the dirt off of his special edition Jordans. You’ve spent hundreds of dollars, cleared your schedule and waited anxiously for this weekend to arrive and now it’s here. You’ve packed your questionable outfits and carefully selected your shoes accordingly, and yet somewhere in that decision making process you didn’t account for the fact that you’d be walking through the desert for three straight days. Look, you aren’t being clowned on for your taste in footwear, but instead for using poor judgement. Leave the heels, suede boots, sandals at home and opt for comfort. Not only is it dangerous, but you’re basically sacrificing your well loved kicks to the festival gods. So use your head and forget about matching head to toe for the ‘gram, because one photo isn’t worth being in physical (or financial) agony for the next week.
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