I thought I was going to die I was laughing so hard.
I thought I was going to die I was laughing so hard.
Christopher Victorio

Eddie Ifft: From Altar Boy to Dirty Boy

[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

The Irvine Improv has opened its new location and on Friday, July 25th if you like your comedy rough, rugged, and raw, their one night only show with Eddie Ifft is not something you want to pass up. We've had the pleasure of talking to him last year so before he takes center stage this time, we decided to switch it up with some "Quick Questions" because if anyone can rule at this game, it's Eddie. Hands down. Here he is answering questions about his guilty pleasures, dealing with hecklers, and his antics as an altar boy.

See also: Eddie Ifft Specializes in Joking About Incredibly Fucked Up Shit

What's a memory you have from your drunkest night? The memory of no memory. Oh wait, I have a better memory. It was in Louisiana after drinking grain alcohol and I was eating possum that was cooked on a shopping cart. We were running through walls in a fraternity house and hitting golf balls into the dean's window. It was when I did a show at Southwestern Louisiana State University.

Hmmm...so it wasn't pulling your balls out on stage with Doug Stanhope in Hawaii then? Interesting. [Laughs.] I was very proud of that moment.

I would have died seeing both of you on the same stage. What a fantastic show that would be! The funny thing was there were only about 20 people in the audience! I was like, you people don't know what you just got! [Laughs.]

Lucky bastards. Back when you were single, what was your "go-to" pick up line? You wanna fool around? Also, do you want to spoon aggressively? That one worked too. I had a New Year's Eve one too that was, how you'd like to ring in New Year's with a fuck?

Did that actually work? OK no. It did not work.

Ha! Shocking! How do you like to handle hecklers? I enjoy them so I kind of play with them to see where I can take it. I feel like, why shut them down when you can be creative and do something with it?

You're opening up a can of worms with that answer. People are probably going to take full advantage of it. Yep but I love it! Bring it on!

What was your first time on stage like? The first time I think I was ever on stage, I was an altar boy. I thought the altar was a stage and I was wearing that dress that the little altar boys wear that causes them to be rape victims. I would stand over the fan that they would use to cool the stage and it would blow up and the whole crowd would laugh. My mom would be like, "It's not a crowd. It's a congregation!" So I enjoyed that.

Ok I'm dying! You were like a little altar boy Marilyn Monroe. [Laughs]. Yep! That's exactly what it was. An altar boy Marilyn Monroe. That's hilarious!

What about your first time on a comedy stage? My first stand-up was at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh and I just absolutely loved it. It was like doing heroin the first time it went in and I was like, this is it! I'm going to die doing this.

I love that. Is there something you really want to do this year because you didn't last year? I'm in development on a television show right now and I'd really love to get that produced and on the air more than anything in the world. I'd also like to record a brand new live stand-up DVD.

No pressure but I'd like for you to do that too. What's your guiltiest pleasure? Guiltiest pleasure...hmmmm. Let me ask my wife. Laurrrrrren?? What's my guiltiest pleasure? She said, "Kelly Clarkson." There's gotta be something worse than that. Oh I know, Pinterest.

Wow. I'll never look at you the same again. Do you have any regrets in life besides telling me about Kelly Clarkson and Pinterest? The biggest regret I have in life is...getting married. [Laughs.] No I'm joking. I do have one regret and that's blowing Bill Clinton. OK no. I used to kind of regret that I left Hollywood before. I had a TV show in development that got cancelled so I moved to England and always kind of regretted that. But then again, I wouldn't have traveled all over the world. Oh man, what is my biggest regret? OK it was the time I ate a pot cookie. That was it.

That was a lot of work for you so here's an easy one. Hickeys: alright or gross? Hickeys? Oh disgusting!

I'm with ya. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be? My death row meal would be a cheesesteak from Jim's in Philly on South Street, a Gatorade, mashed potatoes, and a warm chocolate cake.

I thought for sure you'd throw a pot cookie in there. I mean, that might be the time to do it! Never! Never ever!

Have you ever laughed so hard that you pissed yourself? Yes! A friend of mine was wearing board shorts when he was babysitting children. He came running down the steps and jumped off of them so he could land on the floor and fart at the same time. He ended up shitting on the floor in front of the kids. Like, a turd dropped out and rolled across the floor. I've never laughed that hard in my whole life. It was painful. I thought I was going to die I was laughing so hard.

That's when you wish Vine was around although, how could you ever know that'd happen. What's a question that you hate getting asked over and over? Hmmm...what question do I always get asked that's annoying? Oh here's one, how did you get your wife? I don't like that one. [Laughs.]

What's the best advice you've ever received? It was from Chris Rock. He said, "If you're going to be upset about other people's success now, you're going to be upset for the rest of your life because it's never going to end. There are always going to be people doing better than you."

See also: Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

Catch Eddie Ifft at the Irvine Improv July 25th at 10pm, 31 Fortune Dr., Irvine, CA 92618, (949) 854-5455. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. For more info check out his website www.EddieIfft.com, help fund his insanely awesome Kickstarter "The Bingle Bus" to create the first mobile audio/visual podcast set, tune in to his podcast Talkin' Sh!t, and follow him on Twitter @EddieIfft.

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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