Those of you who follow my work on Heard Mentality know that I spend most (OK, all) of my time talking to comedians about their lives. We talk about sex and dating (and poop jokes) quite a lot. Recently, I decided that maybe, despite all the depraved things I now know about these comics, maybe it was time I asked one of them to hang out and talk about my life for a change–more specifically, my romantic life. See, comics are writers so they understand how it is to have deadlines (tour dates for them) and we also share the “gift” of being in our own head all of the time. (Which can quite honestly lead to a few negative views on life.) Add those two together and some people (i.e. me) could have a hard time juggling a relationship as well. Recently, I reached out to Colin Quinn to get some advice on amoré. Before I picked up the phone I already realized I would be dealing with a cynical, depraved individual. But, so did he.
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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): As you know, I'm a pretty complimentary person. Do you think I need to dial it back with guys so they don't think they're “winning?”
Colin Quinn: Guys like compliments too much. What you should do is probe around. You know how people say that the best guys are the ones who love their mothers? What I say is, no. You need to find a guy who didn't get along with his mother because she was abusive and then find those little triggers and keep pushing them. Then keep moving farther away from him so he spends the rest of his life obsessed with you.
I'd take an obsessed guy…maybe. I'm also not a very trusting gal when it comes to relationships. Any stellar advice for letting my guard down or should I just keep it up forever?
You need to do what everybody does, assume that neither of you is going to cheat for the first six months, you turn a blind eye for the next six months, and then you stalk. I mean, nowadays there are so many ways to catch people. People leave such a nice trail these days that you can really set it up and make a fun game out of it. [Laughs.] The worst advice that people can give is to really trust the other person. You can also remind them that they don't know who they're messing with. Maybe that's the way you need to go. You just tell them, “Hey look, you're trapped.” I think bullying is an underrated technique.
You don't think I'll come across crazy?
Don't even say “crazy” because the “crazy people” never say that. If a guy says, “You know I'm thinking that maybe we should go out and see other people.” You then just need to look at him and say, “Ohhhh! Haha! You don't want to do that.” Then when they say, “why not?” You just start laughing, “HAHAHA AHHHAHA!”
Maybe lifting up the bottom of my shirt to brandish the gun on my hip would be effective as well in that scenario.
[Laughs.] Yes! You can treat it like an acting technique too where you just smile and look like you're having a memory of the last person that ever tried that shit. You just keep laughing and looking like, oh boy that was a real fucking situation. Never say it, just think it.
Now on the off chance that doesn't work and rather than being stuck in a shitty relationship, do you think it's weird that I can be alone but not really feel lonely? It's like, why is “lonely” a bad thing?
I think the sign of real maturity is to know that you are either going to be in a shitty relationship or you're going to be lonely. That's the way it goes. I think there is a certain amount of loneliness when it comes to comedians but like you said, lonely isn't always a negative thing. I'm sure most hermits once had a lot of interaction with the community. I think if you went to the mountains to check out hermits, most of them probably worked in customer service at one point.
I wonder if being considered a “hermit” is a negative thing…
You're right! I mean, are hermit crabs less happy than regular crabs? I don't think so!
“Regular” like crotch crabs or the like “The Deadliest Catch” crabs?
[Laughs.] Like a soft-shell crab versus a hermit crab. Who has a happier life? People spend a lot of time researching lab rats but maybe they should start researching hermit crabs and real crabs.
I think if that were to happen you'd have to specify that you aren't talking about STD related crabs.
I can't believe the word crabs is still the popular one! There must still be crabs if that is still a term. I think it's just one of those catchy terms. They're the embarrassment of the shellfish community. People go into restaurants to order crabs and everyone groans. It's like if chicken was called HPV!
Haha oh shit! I think “crabs” is more mild than “HPV” because HPV is in all capital letters so it's like you're screaming it.
I remember back when there was a diet pill called AIDS. It was unbelievable. Comics couldn't even do jokes about it because it was too easy.
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I saw the commercial for it on YouTube! That's like making a weight loss pill called Bulimia. OK back to the topic at hand, do you think I'll ever find a man that has a shared sick sense of humor?
Ummm…no. Most guys that have the sense of humor that you do are like just you. Only comedians have that sense of humor. I think more people are getting it these days though so there is always hope. I feel like the Internet has helped people realize that folks with a sick sense of humor still care about people. Before the Internet, people were afraid to say a lot of sick shit. Now you have nice and sweet twenty-year-old's commenting, “Die in a fire” or “kill yourself.” [Laughs.]
Yeah, I think I'm even a little more brash on-line although, I don't threaten people. I'll now save my threats for the men that I date.
Right! Remember to just laugh and smile at them like, “You poor thing, you don't know the shit you'll put yourself into if you fuck with me!” Make sure you give them an amused laugh too. Not really a diabolic laugh but more like, “Haaaa! You don't even understand what you fucking said.” A laugh like, “Oh the shit storm that's going to hit if you try that.” It's the laugh of someone in total power mixed with a pity laugh. The laugh should say, “You don't know what's going to happen but I do. This ends when I say it ends.”
So basically, I'm going to be single forever.
Not at all! My belief is that you should be in control. Like if I had daughters, I would make them watch lion tamers. Then I'd say, “Look, you have to do whatever lion tamers do.” Lion tamers seem to have it down relatively well. They threaten them and they hit them, then they back off for a minute. All of those techniques. Now, I've never really watched lion taming but it seems like the kind of thing you should do.
Gotcha. What about sex? Should I terrorize in the bed as well?
[Laughs.] You have to have really active sex. It can't be like, let's just lay back and enjoy this relationship. Every once in a while you have to fuck with them. And not the normal way that girls like to fuck with guys. More in the way of, don't come home for two nights so you keep him on his toes. Guys get too complacent and then they get cocky. That's what we're trying to control here. Complacency and confidence.
OK here's what I've got. In order for me to find love I need to play head games, be a bully, and maybe stay away for a few days.
Head games and even literal physical games. Like every once in a while just stand there, smile at him, and then swoop his fucking legs out so he falls. Then when he asks you why you did that just smile and say, “Come on! You're a fucking guy! You can take that shit!”
Ha! Please don't take this the wrong way because while it's hilarious, it's also probably the worst advice I've ever received.
Well it's not the greatest but yeah, it's bad. Sometimes we have to remember the bad advice to make us remember the good advice.
Beg your city to get Colin all up in it for his one-man show “Unconstitutional” and for more info, check out his website www.ColinQuinn.com and follow him on Twitter @IAmColinQuinn.
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.
Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.