Eight Days

Thurs/March 10 Yahoo! Shoppingconsiders artists similar to MelissaManchesterto be, oh, "Laura Branigan,AirSupply,ArtGarfunkeland RitaCoolidge."Ow. That smarts. And considering she already had a Greatest Hits album out by 1983, Ms. Melissa must be about a thousand years old, with songs such as "Don'tCryOutLoud"and "YouShouldHearHowSheTalksAboutYou."Also, there's something about the theme from IceCastles. But just like that time I made you go see ManhattanTransfer,I have a special place for Ms. Melissa, even though I can no longer remember her music atall:in '86, she and Mr.Misterperformed at the kick-off to the GreatPeaceMarch,and she was lovelyand sort of rocked (adult-contemporarily). 7:30 p.m. $44. Orange County Performing Arts Center, Founders Hall, 600 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 556-2787;www.ocpac.org.

Fri A superstar punk rock band, with Eric Melvinof NOFX,SteveSotoof TheAdolescents,GregHetsonof BadReligionand DerekO'Brienformerly of SocialDistortion,takes over Alex'sBar.But who's that singing? Aw, man, it's you.Great. Now this show sucks. Also with ThePeelsand TheRollingBlackouts.Go forth and karaoke. 9 p.m. $10. Alex'sBar,2913E.AnaheimBlvd.,LongBeach,(562)434-8292.

Sat Didn't used to like BillMaher,but then his show got canceled because he pointed out (quite rightly) that whatever else the 9/11terroristswere, "cowards" wasn't really an apt description. Off with his head! So then what happened? All of a sudden, he got curmudgeonly and lefty where before he'd been smug and sexist (in a gross way, not the kind of way where some old salt refers to your legs as "gams" and you get a little tingle), although he's still a little sexist anyway. Still? Funnier! 8 p.m. $50. TheGroveofAnaheim,2200E.KatellaAve.,Anaheim,(714)712-2700.

Meanwhile, at the BreaImprov,I've got a soft spot for that old WayneBradymagic. Is it because he's white America's favorite black man? Could be! But for anyone who's ever seen him on Drew Carey's Whose Line Is It Anyway?the man was a-singin' and a-dancin' and a-improvisin' his heart out. Triple threat? Oh, yeah! But not to white America. We don't find him threatening at all. 7 & 9 p.m. A sizzling $45! BreaImprov,120S.BreaBlvd.,Brea,(714)482-0700.

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Sun Unfortunately, I can't recommend to you TheMagic School Bus,based on the award-winning television series, as it comes to life at the CarpenterPerformingArtsCenter.TheMagicSchoolBusis on PBS,which means it's lousy with lesbians. "Ms. Frizzle"? Oh, really? We don't let women use honorifics that don't differentiate between marital statuses in these parts, Mizzy! Fight the gay-homosexual agenda! 2 & 5 p.m. $15. Carpenter Performing Arts Center, 6200 Atherton St., Long Beach, (562) 985-7000; www.thebluecafe.com.

Mon Hey, Medium'son, right? That's cool.

Tues Tennis players ranked in the top 200 in the world will compete in the AmeriLending Women's Pro Challengethrough March 22. All proceeds will be donated to MOMS,a nonprofit organization helping mothers have healthy babies. That sounds fun, except the part where it's for charity. Now it's "good for you," and you should want to not go! 11 a.m. Free, but donations are welcome. RidgelineCountryClub,1051N.Meads,Orange,(714)771-2410.

Wed Okay, it's two kiddie things in one week, but it's Sunday and Wednesday! It's not like I made you give up your precious Saturday night! Selfish ass!Anyway, I take my kid to DisneyonIceevery time it comes around, and he's inlovefor the three hours we're there, even now, even though he's 10.Your kid will like this, too, and it's not all 'spensive and crowded and hot and crappy like Disneylandis. This show's based on Lilo& Stitch (my favorite, even more than Ladyand the Tramp), The Little Mermaid, 101 Dalmatians,and PeterPan.I wish it was the new, live-action PeterPanwith that hot kid, instead of the old cartoon, but whatever. Still, it's always beautifully done, and the parents are nearly as impressed as the kids. (Or, in the case of one ferociously hot and muscley Tarzan,more so.) 7:30 p.m. Through March 20; call for times. $13-$50. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 740-2000; www.ticketmaster.com.

Thurs/March 17 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Long Beach supergroup TheDibs.They're no Stroke9—i.e.,they're not all Teen Beat hot-errific and don't have exactly one single that got airplay that nobody remembers anymore—but ChrisHanlin'ssongs are pure and beautiful American rock. With TheSteveCarsonBandand IngridWakes.10 p.m. Call for cover. 21+. The Blue Caf, 210 The Promenade N., Long Beach, (562) 983-7111; www.thebluecafe.com.

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