This was my Tuesday this week: put the finishing touches on next week's Best Of issue, help San Román hone down his awesome exposé of some tire-slashing pendejos, approve invoices, meet with sources on one story, meet with sources on another story, shrug off a death threat…and turning myself into the Human Torch courtesy of the Halal Guys, who issued a personal Hot Sauce Challenge for me and me alone because I'm a SAVAGE—or so I thought.
As you'll see in the video, it was tough for me to finish off a Halal Guy combo bowl drowning in a sea of their furious salsa—but I did it. I do blame my wavering toward the end on the breakfast quesadilla and croissant I ate just before, and the massive dinner I had the night before. That said, few of you can stand heat the way I can, and the only thing that makes this challenge worthwhile to me is, well, HALAL GUYS. Never has pain and pleasure mixed so well since that one time I drank habanero orange juice.
The below video doesn't show the violent aftermath—no, it wasn't some disgusting orificial lava spray. That got toned down (more on that in a bit); the chaos would've been the buzzed feeling I had through the rest of the day, Halal Guys' capsaicin cascading through every proton of my body. The nastiness was random hot flashes across my chestal area hours afterward combined with occasional, piercing pain in my gut as the burning bowl moved through my intestinal tract. Seriously, fam: I became more Johnny Storm than man.
If any of you are up for this challenge (that you'll have to do on your own, since this challenge ain't official), take my advice: do NOT eat a full 14 hours before attempting. And ice cream, ICE CREAM. I wasn't able to eat ice cream until a full eight hours after finishing the challenge, buying a bunch of paletas from Front Porch Pops. That immediately calmed my stomach and made sure that I wasn't burned the following morning, if you catch my drift.
Halal Guys: I salute you for the respect you showed me. And if you ever decide to make it a thing, make sure to make folks sign a waiver afterward, because society is generally CHAVALA. Enough blabbering, roll the video, made by the irrepressible Matt Kollar!