Newport Coast's Kobe and Vanessa Bryant have famously been off-again, on-again, but the Mrs. seems to have revealed the way to keep her happy is to give her more rings.
No, not the kind Black Mamba gave her after playing proctologist in an Eagle, Colorado, hotel room years ago.
Momma wants championship rings . . . every year!
“I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can't win championships,” the former Vanessa Laine reportedly told New York Magazine. “If you're sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.”
Can you imagine Kobe coming home from London, dangling his gold medal and saying, “Look what I got you, honey?”
“Can it be worn on a finger?” she shoots back. “Can you loop it into a chain and wear it around your neck?”
“Naw, look sweetie, you can already wear it around your–“
“CUT THE SHIT, KOBE! You know what I want, and if you were a real man you'd get it for me. Now, where did I put LeBron's number . . .”
In related news (?), Ms. V's reps–anyone else long for the days before players' spouses had reps?–are denying reports she got plastic surgery to keep Kobe happy, reports the London Daily Mail.
Her representatives have blasted the allegations as '100 per cent not true' and 'ridiculous'.
During her appearance at the London Olympic Games, the 30-year-old set tongues wagging that she had undergone surgery after pictures of her looking rather different from her former self emerged.
A source told The National Enquirer that Vanessa was starting to feel 'insecure' about her looks and 'would do anything to keep Kobe happy.'
But plenty of sites have reacted by throwing up pictures of Vanessa when she first married the Laker next to ones of her now, suggesting a certain basketball wife is trying desperately to keep up with the Kardashians, and we don't mean that Lurch on Lamar Odom's arm.
Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the paper’s first calendar editor. He went on to be managing editor, executive editor and is now senior staff writer.