Atlanta update: Isn't it great that the Civil War was fought over slave-loving states like Georgia so that today, Americans could enjoy the fruits of Ted Turner, the 1996 Olympics, Ty Cobb, Larry King/Robert Novak-foisting CNN, Coca-Cola, Jane Fonda, the Tomahawk Chop, Newt Gingrich . . . Do we really need to go on? As far as we're concerned, Sherman was a dove.
St. Louis update: Isn't it great that the Civil War was fought over slave-loving states like Missouri so that Americans could enjoy the fruits of freedom such as catching the dinner show at the Andy Williams theater in Branson, where careers go to die and get paid a hell of a lot of money to do it. There's nothing wrong with St. Louis except they got Mark McGwire a couple of years back when he was supposed to come to the Angels. And they stole our beloved Rams a few years back just because everybody here hated the Rams and wished they'd go straight to hell. Which, in a way, they did. Unsportsmanlike: Okay, that last remark about St. Louis being hell wasn't fair. St. Louis seems like a nice enough place, once you get past the bugs and the humidity and native son Nazi-loving Charles Lindbergh's transatlantic flight making it easier for pasty German bureaucrats to take up space at Disneyland. Hail Mary: Okay, that last crack about Lindbergh wasn't fair to pin on St. Louis, either. But what's the deal with God? Seriously. I mean, the whole poetic-justice thing is becoming derivative, don't you think? I mean, days after Southern California loses out on an NFL expansion team, the Rams beat the 49ers to remain unbeaten and virtually assure themselves of a playoff spot. Is that really fair, Lord of Hosts? Have you forgotten about the devotion shown the Rams while they were in Orange County? What a magical season and a half that was. And sure, things got nasty after that, and sure, nobody showed up for the games, and sure, the Anaheim crowds started chanting, “Beat LA! Beat LA!” toward the end, but . . . What was the point of this? Consensus: St. Louis and Rams owner Georgia Frontiere deserve each other. . . . Okay, that's not fair. No one deserves Georgia, with the possible exception of Steven Seagal, East Timor death squads and Georgia (state). Go, Lambs!
