DEAR MEXICAN: I have visited other countries. None would appreciate me waving my flag in that country. It all comes down to this, mi amigo. If you enter this country from any other country, you must have the necessary paperwork to allow you to stay and/or work here. If you enter without paperwork, you have committed a crime. It’s called ILLEGAL ENTRY. All over the world, the law will send you back to your country of origin. Why the hell do Mexicans think for a minute they are excluded from this law? Donald Trump has some muy loco ideas. There will be no wall or his other mierda. Be prepared: Should he become the boss, he will look very closely at criminals who are re-offending running back to Mexico and coming back—at the very least. It can’t keep going this way. You will all work yourselves out of your American dream. I’m sick and tired of Mexicans thinking this land belongs to them. NOT ANYMORE. Get in line in the legal way. Everybody needs to stop using and abusing the American system. We are now in so much debt that poor citizens don’t have a job and money to support their family. Stop that crap now! If you don’t belong here, go back to your country.
Tool for Trump
DEAR GABACHO: Don’t blame Mexicans for the national debt; blame the Iraq War and Reaganomics. Don’t blame Mexicans for coming into this country, with or without papers; blame NAFTA, capitalism and the people who hire unauthorized Mexicans. Don’t blame Mexicans for saying the American Southwest belongs to them; blame an unjust war. Don’t blame Mexicans for using and abusing the U.S.; blame an American system that has encouraged cheating every step of the way ever since the Boston Tea Party. Better yet, blame EVERYTHING: That’s all Trump supporters do, anyway. Man, I haven’t come across a whinier bunch of CHAVALAS since hearing Mexicans defending the use of “puto” during soccer matches.
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DEAR MEXICAN: How do I keep my Mexican friend from stealing all my shit?
Amigo de Aztlán
DEAR GABACHA: Coat your stuff in condoms—it’s kryptonite to Mexican men!
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DEAR MEXICAN: My co-worker donned a poncho and sombrero for Cinco de Mayo and got totally wasted. He said he had no bad intentions and does not understand why Mexicans get so upset when he embraces Cinco de Drinko. Oh, and he does not understand why “Cinco de Drinko” is offensive because it’s an American holiday, anyway. Can you help explain why some Mexicans get offended when a gringo wears our attire on Drinko de Cinco?
I’m the Mexican in the Office Who Brings Tamales During Christmas
DEAR GABACHO: At this point in America’s history, I say let the gabachos dress up as gross caricatures of our raza. They have little else going for them: Birth rates are down, death rates are skyrocketing, and all their daughters are shacking up with paisas. They’re tilting hard for a new identity, so now’s the time to enact the final stage of Reconquista: Get them borrachos while wearing sombreros and bigotes, then sic la migra on them. Just like it was prophesied in the Florentine Codex, you know?