We begin with a clarification: the creepy clowns who arrived in Orange County and throughout Southern California Wednesday are not of the Juggalo pedigree.
These are more the type you see populating John Wayne Gacy paintings.
After the Instagram account called wearecomingtocali announced their looming arrival, creepy clowns were spotted from Fontana to Whittier, from Irvine to Huntington Beach.
Keep in mind, we don't know how many of these are copycat creepy clowns.
For those with no idea what the holler is all about, dudes in killer clown get-ups stand motionless in strategic locations, usually at night and always with a whiff of murderous mayhem.
The Orange County Register reported that two were spotted in Huntington Beach on Tuesday.
And the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department fielded reports Wednesday of some in Lancaster possibly threatening pedestrians with kitchen knives.
Lancaster? As if. The only Lancaster we'll tolerate is Burt.
Here are seven Orange County locations that would be way better for creepy clowns.
Carousel Party
Hoag Medical Group hosts free carousel rides, face painting, baked goods and more from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday at the Carousel Court at Irvine Spectrum. If that event does not scream out the need for creepy clowns, then I'll eat my oversized floppy red shoe.
I Drink Your Blood
OC Weekly's Friday Night Freakout at The Frida Cinema in downtown Santa Ana is David E. Durston’s 1971 porn-o-plasma about an LSD-addicted hippie cult consuming rabies-infected meat pies. Strange men in clown makeup scaring the hell out of the populace? I'm guessing they've scarfed a fair share of infected meat pies. Also look for creepy clowns in the seat next to you at Frida's upcoming screenings of Dracula, Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, The Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness, The Toxic Avenger and they'll be part of the shadow cast for The Rocky Horror Zombie Show.
Kirk Cameron's Revive Us
For an even more frightening cinematic experience worthy of creepy clowning, head Tuesday night (or again on Oct. 24) to AMC Downtown Disney, AMC Orange at the Outlets, Century Stadium 25 in Orange, Cinemark at the Pike in Long Beach, Cinemark at Bella Terra Huntington Beach, Edwards Aliso Viejo, Edwards Irvine Spectrum or Edwards Long Beach Stadium. Beamed in live from Chicago will be the Christian actor leading an evening of music, worship and inspirational stories. Among the headliners is perhaps the creepiest clown of all: Dr. Ben Carson.
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Orange County Executive Leadership Breakfast
Already a haven for clowning around, the 7:30 a.m. event at Citrus Café in Tustin on Tuesday features speaker/author/trainer Leisa Reid going on and on about “Creating a Winning Mindset.” Watch those drooling in their oatmeal perk up when the light hits their eye from the reflection off the knife swiped from their table. You know, the one held maniacally by the smiling clown standing overhead.
Art on the Walk
Anaheim GardenWalk presents art, music and special performances from 6 to 10 p.m. on Oct. 14. Bands, local dignitaries and ballroom dancers from Anaheim schools will be there … for creepy clowns to creep the hell out of. Having a Red Skelton painting come to life is scarier than Disneyland's Haunted Mansion across the street, Knott's Scary Farm down the road and the Anaheim City Council chambers combined!
Posse Bar
The Westminster saloon is frequented by cops so … aw, scratch this one. Creepy clowns will blend in.
Your Work's Parking Lot or Structure
Nighttime. You're the last one to leave the office. Just as you pull your jiggling keys out of your pocket or pocketbook, you see in your car window's reflection a creepy clown behind you, staring at you. Whip around, and he's gone. Quickly get in your car, turn on the ignition and back out of your space, and he's standing right in front of your hood. Close your eyes and hit the gas—and he's gone. Your moment of relief turns to horror as you peer into your rearview mirror to discover he's NOW IN THE BACK SEAT!!!
Aaaaaaaaaand scene!
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.