BY WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON
Ladies and gentlemen, the 42nd president of these United States:
Good day, my fellow Americans. Before we begin, let me get one thing straight: I did not have sex with that woman. Today.
Now then, I've been asked to introduce you to the new and improved OC Weekly website. You know, it was my very hard-working vice president, Al Whatshisname, who invented the internet, and since I was a hands-on president—although, I'd like to reiterate, I did not have sex with that woman—you might say the vice president could not have invented the internet without my supervision, even though Phil, of course, was in the U.S. Senate at the time he invented the internet. And speaking of the U.S. Senate, how about that Hillary? 2008 is just around the corner, which is where I'll be as soon as her campaign bus pulls out of the stall.
Now I've divided my remarks about the whole new OC Weekly website into different sections because my opponent has branded me as something of an oversexed, overeating hillbilly windbag. That could not be farther from the truth, so long as we're square on which meaning of "the" I'm referring to "the truth."
At the top of the hew homepage, opposite the OC Weekly logo, is GET STUFF!, the all-new online classified advertising section that directs you to cars, pads, merchandise and companionship for a lifetime or just one night.
As you can imagine, I'll be visiting this site A LOT whenever I visit my friends in Orange County.
Sandwiched between the OC Weekly logo and Get Stuff! like a dental assistant and a presidential library page is the newly improved SEARCH functions. Guess what, you can type in more than one word now, and you can further narrow your choices with the ADVANCED SEARCH feature.
Like on the previous site, below the logo is what those in the web biz refer to as a navigational bar with the various editorial sections (News, Columns, Music, etc.), but when you pass your cursor over each section, a drop-down menu exposes popular features in each particular section, such as HEY, YOU! in News or in Columns, COMMIE GIRL. Grrrrr, Commie Girl!
Whoa, if I had a nickel for each teaser I've encountered after hours from Little Rock to Tacoma, I could finish paying off the hitman who . . . Oh, I apologize: the teasers here is the rotating menu of photos and links to daily spotlight stories and events. This will change early and often, like my positions on welfare, so you'd better check back frequently to keep up.
Under the rotating teasers—trust me: teasers can be rotated; two shots of Southern Comfort always do the trick—is what are called story bins. Inside are the latest posted stories from each section (The County, Film, Arts, etc.). You can click on the headline to be taken to that particular story or — and this is new — the photo next to that item will also get you there.
That's the box where you'll find breaking news generated from OC Weekly and/or elsewhere on the World Wide Web. You'll also want to check back here often to find out whether I've been indicted or not. Thank God for Scooter Libby!
Instead of doing real work, staffers and outsiders post their daily droolings on blogs which are linked to here. Included is Matt Coker's A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, and, unlike previous Clockworks, the new version is not shitty. Oh, the writing's as bad as ever, but it's now packaged in a more, well, bloggy format.
Until the paper's new owners deem otherwise, VVM stands for Village Voice Media, and just below the blogs is a box with links to content in other VVM publications. Below this are the logos to the hugely popular DEADLINE HOLLYWOOD column by LA Weekly's Nikki Finke and ROCKIE HOROSCOPE, which I consulted to see if I'd be impeached.
Enter your Zip code, and find the closest OC Weekly newsracks. So you'll know what the paper in those racks looks like, we've included a photo of the current issue next to the locater. It's a good thing Hillary doesn't have a Bill locater.
I saved the best for last. GO! No, no, come back: GO! is the Weekly's bitchen new fully searchable, cross-reference-able daily event listings thingie, the feature you'll be returning to again and again to plan your life around. For instance, sometimes the person you hooked up with through Get Stuff! just keeps yammering on and on as you're trying to get some shut eye in the presidential suite, so you've got to come up with local diversions to take her to—and then ditch her. Go! begins with upcoming spotlighted events (click on the photo and you'll be taken to all the event details). Or you can enter a search by event or venue. Or you can click on the handy-dandy CALENDAR, and find out every cool thang that's scheduled that day or any day in the future the Weekly has listing information for. There's even an advanced search feature just for those valuable and informative listings. Individual listings are cross-referenced with maps that'll get you to the venue, and down the line they'll be distanced searches and links to nearby restaurants and other cool stuff I'm not at liberty to discuss right now due to national security concerns.
Now, I know a thing or three about feeds. Ever dunk a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in a Shamrock Shake? It's better than sex. Well, maybe not better but . . . anyway, RSS feeds are what geeks use to be alerted to their computer or phone or pod or chip embedded in their brain that certain copy has been posted on a site. Well, the Weekly will have RSS feeds available for just about every category on the site. Wherever you see the little orange button with "RSS" on it, just drag that button (or copy its link) into your favorite news reader, and away you go! I always preferred Paula Zahn as a news reader myself. The gams on that woman!
I'd be remiss if I did not mention that this is a brand new site and there may be a bug or three from the get-go. (See my second term.) For instance, not all listings categories may be individually available yet; you'll go to a static page with all that category's content until we can catch up (there's a lot of dag gum listings! And our typists are stuck on the wrong side of the border. Fucking INS!). Just point out any problems you encounter and the Weekly will jump right on it.
In your dreams.
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(P.S. I cannot say it any clearer than this: I did not have sex with that . . . oh, never mind.)