Patient: Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones, "Clone War" trailer
Profile: The fourth—and latest—of the Star Wars trailers that gives way too much information in the way of geo-political machinations and not nearly enough in the way of stuff blowing up and sexy slave princesses in skimpy slave costumes with matching dog collar. Think Voltron: The Movie meets Stratego: The Commercial meets Revenge of the Nerds IX, Nerds in Space: The Search for Tang, Poon.Symptoms: While this trailer, which opened last weekend accompanying Ice Age, showcases the film's strengths—special effects, computer-generated creatures, big battle scenes and light sabers, light sabers, light sabers!—it also showcases the stilted acting and writing—"Begun this Clone War has!"—that stunk up Episode One: The Phantom Menace, which, by all except the most ardent 36-year-old virgin living in his parent's den accounts, sucked major Wookiee lumber. Though we get a few scenes of flying shiny things and dragons, we mostly get lots of actors in robes talking in that self-important manner one usually finds in Bible epics and other Star Wars movies. Hey, even the original three movies were pretty weak dialogue-wise, so why all this talk and context that means nothing except to the most devoted fan? We're referring to someone like Josh of TheForce.net's Jedi Council, who called "Clone War" the "Best. Trailer. Ever" and said the "look over the shoulders of the muttering Genosians into the Arena is exciting." As if, Josh. Your point about the look being exciting is my very point. There's far too much talking and not enough looks. I can't believe you would say that. I mean, fuck the Genosians! Yeah, I said it—it's about time somebody did. Diagnosis: Less talk, more looks—and did you know the Genosians control 80 percent of the media? Lyndon Larouche and Billy Graham have been saying it for years.
Prescription: Compared with previous Episode Two trailers, "Clone War" is better than the dreadful "Forbidden Love"—"Just being around her again is intoxicating"—and on par with "Mystery""Dangerous and disturbing his puzzle." But all have too much talk. Learn from Episode One which had nothing but talk and nearly wrecked the franchise. TheForce.net Jedi Council member Scott said that Episode One left such a bad aftertaste that "I'd been looking forward to Spiderman more than Star Wars." Granted, Scott may be posturing the bad boy to impress some Geek hoochie, but the point is you don't want these trailers to remind people of Episode One. The solution? Show your Episode Two "Breathing" trailer exclusively. It's short, dark with nary a word of dialogue, just the iconic breathing of Vader playing over foreboding landscapes and images of armored soldiers jetpacking around obelisks. Hey, you're Star Wars; it's not like you need to catch us up to speed. Just give us enough to imagine the story we'd like to see. That'll get us in the theater. There'll be plenty of time to disappoint us then.