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Mourning Wood

Illustration by Bob AulYou were the guy who yelled at my manager that you wanted a refund because the firewood I delivered to your house "was smoky"—so smoky that your neighbors called the cops. So, two lessons for you, cock sack: first, burning things produce smoke; it's inevitable. Second, your problem isn't with the wood in your outdoor fire pit and it's not with your neighbors. It's you. Only late in our argument did you reveal that you'd once called the cops to come out and hassle the neighbors you'd never had any problems with. Why did you call the cops? Because your neighbors were smoking cigarettes in their house! In their house, you dumb troll! You seemed absolutely incapable of seeing any connection between the two things—smoke and cops are common in both. We gave you your refund, but I wanted to give you this advice: you're too stupid to deal with the mysteries of fire. Please stay away.

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