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Bipedal Bird Bathroom

Illustration by Bob AulHey, You! Yes, we have a "No Public Restroom" policy. There are signs posted all over the store. Yet you still have the nerve to march all the way to the front of the store and yell at me about it. After I kindly agree to make a special exception this time, you continue to yell about your weak bladder and how we're breaking the law by closing the restrooms. Did I mention that the whole time you're yelling, you seem oblivious to the fact that your pet parakeet is sitting on your head? All the effort you've put out by yelling at me is in vain because I've tuned you out and can only think that your bird is probably using your head as its own bathroom and that you walk around all day with bird shit on your head. Maybe you should have the "No Public Restroom" sign instead of us. Unless getting shit on is your thing. If that's the case, then I've got a dog at home who'd be more than willing to help out.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, 1666 N. Main St., Ste. 500, Santa Ana, CA 92701-7417, or e-mail us at

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