Writing Drunk on Four Loko

Web Editor Vickie wanted one of us in the office to drink something called Four Loko, some energy drink with 12-percent alcohol that's making schools nervous, that was just banned in Michigan, and makes students excited.

No one on our staff is stupid enough to waste their time on such a drink–I do believe we're a bourbon staff–and Dave, Shuji, and Edwin have day jobs, so the dope was me!

My reactions to the drink after the jump!

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I'm writing 15-20 minutes after drinking Four Loko, a tall 24-proof 40-ouncer, and let me tell you: the buzz is GREAT. It's apparently malt liquor mixed with taurine (the shit they put in Red Bull and all those other energy drinks, which I don't bother with because the taste is rancid), caffeine, and guaraná, that Brazilian fruit that's the rage with the eco-idiots but which Brazilians can't buy much anymore, according to some article I read once–where was I? Oh, the methodology: before Vickie, Michelle, the jefe, and other staffers, I drank the Four Loko as fast as I could.

I couldn't pound it like, say, a Manhattan, because I'm not a beer drinker–has something to do with the fact my dad fed me beer when I was a baby, you know? But I was able to finish it in four chugs, a fact easily verified by the rest of the Weeklings that saw me. This particular flavor isn't bad–“a wild Brazilian berry, Uva”–it reminds me of the grape soda sold at Costco, with only a slight alcoholic aftertaste and not much of the caffeine. If I was thirsty, and it was a hot day, and there was a Four Loko in front of me, I would drink it.

And, yes: it does pack a punch. Again: I'm not a beer drinker, so I'm not sure what a 40 of beer does to the system, but the buzz I got going right now is similar to the buzz I get after half a Crosby Manhattan: good. The only thing I don't like? The gas. Again, I don't drink beers (or many sodas, for that matter), but I hear carbonated beverages make you burp, and that's what I'm doing right now: foul, putrid stenches pushing up fumes from the deepest recesses of my bowels. By the fourth gulp, I ordered everyone to leave my office lest they smell what I emit. Why, I wouldn't even wish my burps on Diamond Dog!

Do I feel a caffeine buzz? No, but then again, I'm a hyper person by nature. I don't understand why kids would want a simultaneous upper and downer, but then again, I don't drink caffeine, either. Maybe I'm the wrong person for this experiment? Or…(cue Oscar Bluth) am I?

I end this post with two pieces of wisdom. The first, attributed to Mark Twain: “Write drunk, edit sober,” a truism I take to heart. The second, from that psycho in Top Chef: Just Desserts, and addressed to those of you who can't handle Four Loko: WEAK SAUCE.

Other Flavors of Four Loko: Citrus, grape (Uva berry), fruit punch, orange blend, watermelon, blue raspberry, lemonade, cranberry lemonade and lemon lime.

Where We Found Four Loko: 7-Eleven! 

Nutritional Info:

Serving Size: 1 can (23.5 oz)
Amount per serving
Calories: 660
Calories from Fat: 0

Total Fat: 0 g

Total Carbohydrate: 65 g

Dietary Fiber: 0 g
Sugars: 60 g
Other Carbs: 0 g

Protein: < 1 g

P.S. I went through this and had a serious conversation about…something with Michelle, and I was as lucid as I went on with her. HA!

P.P.S. Okay, I'm starting to cough up the morning's breakfast salsa. NOT GOOD.

P.P.P.S. Now I'm tired.