The REAL Miracle Whip: No Evil Oil and Late-Night Televangelist Mayonnaise
One night, I was in a hotel room in Florida, unable to sleep. I turned on the television and it was set to the BET channel, where a mulleted man named Danny Davis was holding forth on miracles. He smeared some red gunk on his hand, shook a woman by the shoulders who was trembling perfectly well on her own, and then biffed her in the head. (If I'd had the foresight to smear some oil on my hand as a kid playing "flying biff" in New Jersey, I could have told the nuns I was anointing someone. Oh well, hindsight...)
Whatever this woman's ills were--overwhelming debt, the taint of witchcraft, a plague of body thetans, perhaps dry forehead skin--they were cured instantly. She tottered limply off the stage, weeping with what I can only assume was delight and relief.
I had to try it. Miracle oil? I definitely need it, working for this Godless liberal rag. Free? Even better! I had the vial shipped to our former editor's name at the office.
A quick search around the Internet reveals that No Evil Oil is just canola oil with red food dye in it, which means it's ostensibly edible. What if... what if you could anoint your insides? What if you could ingest the miraculous substance that people prayed over for 17 days straight? Wouldn't that be better than a greasy smack upside the head?
You'd think, since they prayed so long over it, that God would at least keep the red food dye from precipitating out.
The problem is that oil--any oil--doesn't taste very good by itself. Sure, some people try olive oil by itself (which my French colleagues swear is a good way to prevent hangovers), but generally nobody wants to drink straight canola oil. This means it has to be changed--consubstantiated, if you will.
Mayonnaise, as everyone knows, is oil whipped into eggs. Sure, it's got salt and sometimes mustard or lemon juice, but it's basically oil whipped into eggs. It's the miracle of emulsion combined with the miracle of No Evil Oil--truly the best thing to eat for your problems. Here, then, is the recipe for the real miracle whip.
1 egg yolk
1/2 cup neutral oil (canola or grapeseed)
1/2 cup minus 1 tablespoon olive oil
1 vial No Evil Oil
Large pinch salt
1 tsp. lemon juice or apple cider vinegar
1. Whisk the egg yolk with a whisk in a sacred vessel.
2. Mix the canola or grapeseed oil, the olive oil, and the No Evil Oil in a squeeze bottle.
3. Very, very slowly, one drop at a time, whisking constantly, drip the oil into the egg yolk. You may find this hard to do; consider recruiting an acolyte to drip the oil for you.
4. Whisk in the salt and lemon juice or vinegar.
5. If the mayonnaise breaks, it means your sins have stained the mixture and your prayers have not been heard; break another yolk into a clean sacred vessel, whisk it as in step 1, and then beat the broken, sinful mixture back into it as slowly as you can.
Normally, I would use fancy imported tuna in pouches with olive oil, but, having sent all my worldly possessions to Pastor Danny Davis in thanks for this wondrous ointment, I could only afford store-brand tuna.
6. Serve with loaves and fishes, especially tuna sandwiches on Ezekiel bread, and garnish with Miracle Spring Water (available from Peter Popoff, whose show comes on BET right after Danny Davis's).
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