Six Ways to Stop Being a Douchebag at Starbucks

You probably don't know it, but every time you go to a Starbucks, 14 people behind you in line are shooting daggers at you and trying to kill you by modulating their alpha waves . . . and yes, it's your fault. You're the inconsiderate, self-absorbed douchebag, and you infest every coffee shop in America.

The following list is meant to serve as an open intervention to you all. There is hope; cast aside your douchebaggery.

6. Know what you want before you get to the display case.

If you can see this, you should have your mind made up already.
If you can see this, you should have your mind made up already.

Not when you get to the front of the line; most coffeehouses are smart enough, during the morning caffeine rush, to take orders for the barista long before you get to the front of the line. Know what you want, and be on the lookout for the person peering past the shortening-laden pastries to inquire as to your caffeination needs.

5. Tip your barista, especially if you require some ridiculously complex thing.

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Baristas are tipped employees, just like waitstaff. You're already spending $4.39 for your triple half-caf upside-down soy caramel macchiato, no whip; toss a buck in the bucket . . . and don't be the douchebag who announces it, either. Every barista knows when someone puts money in the tip jar, so casually announcing you don't like to carry change because it makes your pockets jingle is just a crass attempt at currying favor.

4. Get off your damn smartphone.

If your email, Twitter or Words With Friends is so all-fired important that you can't take 30 seconds to order a drink and pay, get the hell out of line. Seriously. Go finish what you're doing on your flickering electronic leash, then get coffee when you feel you can live in meatspace for a few minutes.

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