Lunch in One Act
Theo: That's why you need to have a gun.
Steve: So where do we go?
Nick: Get on the 55 [Freeway].
Theo: You've heard about who killed Nicole Simpson?
Nick: No, don't get on here.
Steve: Why not?
Nick: It's the 22.
Steve: What do I want?
Nick: The 55.
Steve: Where's that?
Theo: Yeah, she was into the guy for like $50,000, so he killed her. You haven't heard about this?
Nick: I heard O.J. just wanted to slash her tires but then she surprised him and he freaked. Do you have any air conditioning in this car?
Steve (under breath): Nick's a pain in the ass.
Nick: So your kid is into volleyball?
Steve: Yeah, in fact, Maddy is really good.
Nick: Does he like beach or indoor more?
Steve: Maddy is a girl.
Steve (under breath): Pain in the ass.
Jennie: There it is.
Theo: On Katella.
Steve: You know how they got Katella? Some guy, some developer guy had two daughters, one named Kate one named Ella.
Theo: If that was today, one would be named Tiffany and one would be named Amber and the name of the street would be . . .
Theo: Or Amiffany.
THEY WALK INSIDE. THE RESTAURANT IS DARK, WELCOMING, WITH A QUILTED CEILING. WAITERS MOVE QUIETLY AND PURPOSEFULLY ABOUT THE ROOM. CONVERSATION LULLS, JENNIE TELLS THE TABLE THAT HER DAD USED TO OWN LAUNDROMATS BUT THEN SCREWED THINGS UP.
Steve: How'd he do that?
Jennie: I dunno, my mom just said he screwed things up?
Steve: Too much bleach?
Theo: All Tempa-Cheer.
WAITER BRINGS CALAMARI TO THE TABLE.
Nick: This is good. The sauce is a little spicy, I like it.
Steve: And chunky, I like chunky.
Jennie: The tentacles are interesting.
Steve: This squid is good, not too chewy.
Theo: The thing about the Playstation  is I don't know if I'm into waiting for stuff outside overnight.
Nick: What you need to do is find someone who can get stuff.
Jennie: I know a guy who can get stuff. His name is Sean. That's not really his name . . .
Nick: How's he do it?
Nick: Get stuff?
Jennie: It's his job.
Nick: But how's he do it?
Jennie: He gets stuff.
Nick: So, he steals it.
WAITER BRINGS SALADS AND MINESTRONE SOUP. JENNIE BEGINS TAKING A SERIES OF CALLS ON HER CELL PHONE.
Steve: Oh, this looks nice.
Nick: Mention the way the carrots are cut in the salad; very elegant.
Steve: Who is Jennie talking to?
Steve: Is that her real name?
Nick: Mention that Jennie is acting all Hollywood.
Steve: How's the soup?
Theo: Good. It's real spicy. It's okay. It's not the best I ever had . . . Dude! I think the guy just heard me dis the soup!
WAITER BRINGS FOUR ENTREES TO THE TABLE: LINGUINE WITH CLAMS AND MUSSELS (THEO); SPAGHETTI WITH SHRIMP (JENNIE); SALMON WITH PASTA IN A CREAM RED SAUCE (STEVE); CAPELLINI WITH SCALLOPS (NICK).
Theo: That's the thing, the thing about the Irish being a bunch of drunks is totally true.
Steve: I'm Irish.
Jennie: How am I going to do this?
JENNIE ATTEMPTS TO TAKE PICTURE OF THEO'S ENTREE WITHOUT ATTRACTING ATTENTION OF RESTAURANT STAFF.
Jennie: Oh, I feel bad. I shouldn't get paid for this picture. It's blurry.
Steve: So, how's yours?
Nick: It's good. It's in like a white wine sauce.
Jennie: My sister drinks white wine. She hasn't heard that saying.
Steve: What saying?
Jennie: Girls who drink white wine are bitches. Girls who drink red wine are cool.
Steve: That's a saying?
Theo: I think mine's good, although the seafood may be overcooked a bit. But it's good.
Steve: Mine's really good. Kinda subtle, creamy, hearty. Comfort food. The salmon is really good. The sauce is just a little spicy, just enough to catch in your throat. It's good.
Jennie: Mine's okay. I think it needs hot sauce.
Nick: Can I try?
Nick: That's good and there's a lot of garlic on it. You can't taste it?
Theo: I like garlic. I want to cook a bunch of garlic in the oven.
Steve: This is a goal for you?
Theo: I think these guys are keeping the Gipsy Kings in business.
Jennie: There are a lot of gypsies in Italy.
Steve: Is this the Gipsy Kings? I've never actually heard them.
Jennie: There are a lot of gypsies in Italy.
Nick: This isn't the Gipsy Kings.
Jennie: There are a lot of gypsies in Italy. My friend says they shit right in the street. Can you imagine? Poo right in the street.
Steve: So everybody likes their food?
Nick: You know, it's interesting, Steve's writing down everything we say and so we haven't gossiped at all at lunch.
Jennie: Guys gossip?
Nick: We gossip.
Steve: I'll stop writing. White wine?
MASCARPONE'S, 1448 E. KATELLA AVE., ORANGE, (714) 633-0101. OPEN TUES.-FRI., 11 A.M.-3 P.M., 5-9 P.M.; SAT.-SUN., 5-10 P.M. LUNCH FOR FOUR, $60-$90. BEER, WINE.
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