Five More Types of Diners Who Should Be Blacklisted From Restaurants

After reading the reaction to the initial post banning certain types of people from restaurants, it seems like many of you feel like I'm a bitter waiter. While I'm definitely bitter, I'm no longer in the hospitality business (unless you count the occasional times when I tend bar at private parties). Some of you commented many times (shout out to the Grand Poobah Editor of the Internet, who left 11 of the 49 comments) in an attempt to drown out everyone else.

Well, I'm not done banishing people from restaurants yet. There are a host of egregious violations of restaurant etiquette yet to be covered. Some of these were contributed by commenters in the first article.

1. The Lecturer

I had a date recently with someone who decided to use our time together to lecture me about my food habits. She was full of crackpot theories about balance between different types of food; I'm pretty sure she used every hippie touchword from here to the premiere of Hair while criticizing every choice I made. (Did I mention this was our one and only date?)

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"You know, that's full of fat. If you eat fat, you'll get fat." (Too late.)

"It's a bad idea to eat cruciferous vegetables in conjunction with carbohydrates. It will discolor your aura." (Yes, seriously.)

"Don't drink alcohol. Hangovers are a way of culling the herd; you run slower with a hangover." (I'll be sure to check outside my front door for slavering coyotes before I go out tomorrow morning.)

Nothing sucks all the joy out of eating in a restaurant like being frog-marched down someone's particular version of the straight and narrow.

2. The Kitchen Invader

There is one way to assure that you'll get yourself kicked out of a busy restaurant: walk into the kitchen and start talking to people.

It seems impossible that people would be this completely stupid, but some people are convinced that they can walk in to a place with boiling liquids, fire, and sharp knives and strike up a distracting conversation. Even if it's complimentary--your duck was awesome, was it confit in-house--it's distracting, rude, and potentially dangerous.

If you absolutely have to talk to the chef, ask your server to pass a message along to see if he or she has time to come out and chat. If not, it's quite possible that the kitchen is too busy, or perhaps the chef doesn't feel like validating the idea that you're someone who can call a chef out of a kitchen.

3. The Snoggers

If you're lucky, this has happened to you: you have a hot date, everything just clicks into place, you bond immediately over the pre-dinner apéritif in the bar down the street, and by the time the pasta hits the table, you've migrated 165 degrees around the table and are busy tasting each other's appetizers after they've been eaten.

This is fine, and everyone secretly cheers for the people who made a love (or, uh, lust) match, but seriously, get a room. Ask for the food to go. Wink knowingly at the server. Tip well (come on, you're on a roll here, don't wreck out on the last curve), and repair forthwith to one or the other of your pads.

Why? Because, as my Aunt Clara used to say, when your lips or tongue are stuck out past your nose, you know you're being rude.

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