Fast Food Reviews: New Mountain Dew Flavors

As you can see, I'm not fundamentalist in my definition of fast food. All mass-produced snack product is fair game, as perhaps could be noted by the fact that the first one I did involved the Dave & Busters menu.

On a late night beer run, I espied a display at the 7-11 with three new kinds of Mountain Dew. Since I adore all Dew except for that pretender flavor that you can only get at Taco Bell and doesn't even taste good with vodka, this was like a goldmine. Alas, two of these flavors are temporary. Which two? Apparently, you get to pick.

Of course, Dew-heads know that even these three were narrowed down from a wider range of possibilities at Dewmocracy.com. I tried to vote in that poll, but the site made me play a bunch of annoying mini-games first, one of which I couldn't figure out how to beat so I gave up. This is a good microcosmic argument for why there should be no poll tax.

But I will review the new flavors right now, trying to do so blindly. Maybe my vote won't count on the site, but my voice will be heard.

DEW #1 Tastes like: Artificial raspberry. Label sez: Charged with raspberry citrus flavor and ginseng. Color: blue like blue Gatorade, but not as dark as blue Powerade. Name: Mountain Dew Voltage Review: Like a blue raspberry slush puppy without the brainfreeze headache. I could enjoy this once in a while, but it's not addictive-tasting like original Dew or Code Red, or compellingly new like the late great Pitch Black.

DEW #2 Tastes like: Mountain Dew Pitch Black (fake grape) mixed with Mountain Dew Game Fuel (allegedly cherry-citrus, but tasted more like melon-pear) Label sez: Infused with wild berry fruit flavor and ginseng. (Infused? Infused???) Color: Watered down version of Mountain Dew Voltage. Name: Mountain Dew Revolution Review: I could get into this one, but the color sucks. Go all blue or all clear, but not "too much vodka in my curacao" watered down murky turquoise. Also the name is terrible. Revolution? Something called Revolution needs to smack your tastebuds around, rather than tease them with a candy bouquet. Flavor's good, though, as it seems to combine two Dews I already liked.

DEW #3 Tastes like: Strawberry-flavored Clearly Canadian. Label sez:With a blast of strawberry melon flavor and ginseng. (No avoiding the ginseng, people.) Color: Violet. Name: Mountain Dew Supernova. Review: Decent taste, but again, all wrong. Mountain Dew original and Mountain Dew Code Red are intensely flavored, practically radioactive, and that, along with the heavy caffeine load, makes them popular. Those are supernovas; this is a lonely comet. I like the flavor, but it's subtle, which is a word that does not belong in a Dew descriptor, let alone one named after the biggest fireballs in the universe.

So, how to vote: I'd ideally like to mix all three together and just call it "Mountain Dew: Suicide." That aside, I like the chances for #1, being that it tastes the most artificial of the bunch. I think, however, I shall probably endorse version 3: I like the flavor, and I think the grocery-store fridge needs a violet soda.


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