Steven Seagal

Action Movies Don't Have to Suck

A lament for lost carnage—and coherence

Five Weird Drugs (and the Stars Who Use Them)

​ Courtney Love caused a teeny stir this week when she raved about the hallucinogenic tea Ayahuasca. Sounding like a frat boy detailing his first blunt, Love shared some of the urban legends surrounding Ayahuasca, namely, that users experience identical visions of a mysterious "Black guy" (Editor ... More >>

Eight Films to Help You Prepare for the End of the World on May 21

​ For the last few months, a kooky religious group has been plastering North America with billboards and placards announcing that the world will end on May 21. Call us warped, but we're thrilled by the prospect of Armageddon. With millions of the faithful lifted skyward by the Rapture, their hom ... More >>

'Machete': Blades of Gory

When it's not LOL-funny, Robert Rodriguez's film is downright dull

Steven Seagal Sexual Harassment Suit Tossed; Are You Listening, A&E?

​As you well know, Clockwork has declared Steven Seagal Lawman "the Greatest, Best TV Show God Ever Gave Man" and blogged incessantly about the A&E reality show.When we discovered filming of the show had been suspended because of a sexual harassment allegation against the burly martial arts ma ... More >>

Superstars! Theme Parks! Slimy Politicians! All OC Names That Didn't Live Up to the Hype

​On over the weekend, Angels third baseman Brandon Wood hit a grand slam in the bottom of the eighth inning against the Colorado Rockies at Angel Stadium of Anaheim.While that's pretty impressive, the four runs Wood drove in over the weekend represent 30 percent of his RBIs on the season. In other ... More >>

7 Ways to Save "Steven Seagal Lawman"

​As close readers know, Clockwork is a huuuuuuuge fan of Steven Seagal Lawman. Sadly, the A&E reality series has shut down due to silly allegations of sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination in violation ... More >>

How Far Can Dexter Holland's Gringo Bandito Go?

What started as a gag gift by the Offspring singer is becoming a serious business

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote of the Week (Season Finale)

​"You know, being a lifelong practitioner of the martial arts, I try to teach everyone not to fight the recoil of the weapon but more to become one with the weapon and let it be an extension of their body." --Steven Seagal, lawman, in voice over for scenes showing him teaching a fellow portly res ... More >>

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote of the Week

​"Criminals usually prey on weakness. They can smell it. Those of us who have studied the martial arts as long as I have, we can usually see those kind of predators." --Steven Seagal, lawman, explaining what he sees from a crowd of young men moving toward a police car holding a young man the group ... More >>

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote of the Week

​"When I was in Asia, you know, I learned to relax with the martial arts and meditation. Over here, people relax by drinking. And we're okay with that as long as nobody gets hurt."--Steven Seagal, lawman, preparing for a rowdy Friday night patrolling outside Parish County, Louisiana, bars. Steven ... More >>

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote of the Week

​"I've known Sacky Chan for 40 years."--Steven Seagal, lawman, to a tipsy suspect who asked through a heavy slur, "Hey, can you beat . . . Sacky Chan?" Steven Seagal Lawman airs at 10 p.m. Wednesdays on A&E.

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote[s] of the Week

​NOTE--Clockwork would like to sincerely apologize for forgetting to post a Steven Seagal Lawman Quote of the Week yesterday. As if suffering from a swift akido kick to the head, I totally forgot to post one. To hopefully make amends, here are two quotes."These are the 'jects, you know, the projec ... More >>

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote of the Week

​After a deputy in another Parish County, La., sheriff's cruiser gives the exact location of a possible home burglary:"Lose this siren as soon as we get close so he don't hear us coming. [To cameraman riding in the back seat of his unmarked SUV:] We've got a burglary-in-progress and we're right th ... More >>

"Steven Seagal Lawman" Quote of the Week

​Best quote of the week from Steven Seagal Lawman, 8 p.m. Wednesdays on A&E:"You don't have to be like this, ya'all. You know what I'm sayin'? It could be easy. And watch who you hangin' out with. Think about it, hear? Bye, mama. Don't whup 'em too hard when you get home."-Steven Seagal, lawma ... More >>

11 Reasons "Steven Seagal Lawman" is the Greatest, Best TV Show God Ever Gave Man

​Steven Seagal Lawman--the A&E reality show that premiered last night starring the Mansier model, fading action movie star and Orange County Sheriff's Department reserve deputy reject--is the greatest, best television programming God ever gave man.Here's why . . .

High Security Meets High Fashion

Slate follows up on word that Barack Obama wore bullet-proof clothing during his inauguration by noting that a Colombian company, Miguel Caballero, makes bullet-resistant leather jackets, polo shirts, windbreakers and ruffled tuxedo shirts, which range from a few hundred dollars to $7,000 in price. ... More >>

Fight Club

How I learned self-defense from an anti-immigrant group and lived to write about it

That Sinking Feeling

Coast Guard epic The Guardian succumbs to watery cliches

Yo-ho, Yo-ho, No Pirate's Life for Me

Fear and loathing at the Magic Kingdom

Live Review

Big Nothing: Big Japan, Big City Rock at the Galaxy Theatre, Santa Ana, Sunday, June 4

Get Out!

June 1 - June 8: Skulls and Whiskey

Back To School

Bombs Away

The American Cinematheques party at Ground Zero

Diary of a Mad County

Wings of Desire

Bird³s pilgrimage to mega

Goodbye, California

From the golden dream to a broken pyrite promise

Kitty Porn

Patient: Cats and Dogs

Look at Those . . . Ow!

The DAs Friend

Rackauckas troubles started with a struggling film company, an extortion threat and a plea for help

Disney Owns the Night

Why not? They own everything else

Why America Loves an Asian Martial-Arts Flick

Grabbing a Tiger by the Tale

Why America almost loves Crouching Tiger

31 Scariest People in OC

Chill With Hill

This weeks featured NFL game: St. Louis Rams (4-0) at Atlanta Falcons (1-4)