I've got no kids, and due to my unfortunate habit of keeping my cell phone pinned between my thighs while I drive, I will probably never have any—but I can live with that, I guess. One thing on which the religious fundamentalists and I agree is that it's a sick old world, but rather than attempt to change it with unwavering faith, I've opted instead to throw myself fully into the decline. I admire the ones who try, though—I really do. In my better moments, I like to believe that one day, upon waking up in a stranger's bathtub with a black eye, I'll take a hard look at myself in the mirror and say, "Hey, maybe having a child will give your life some meaning beyond the immediate base pleasures to which you have devoted so much of your energies. Maybe your spiritual and emotional salvation really does lie in passing on your wisdom to a new generation." But who am I kidding? I'm too selfish to ever focus on anyone else. I mean, God, kids, with their endless demands for love and attention. I've got needs too, Junior. Go surf the Internet... More >>>