DEAR MEXICAN: What are Mexico's residency requirements, and how do you apply for its version of a green card? Because if that racist fuck Donald Trump gets elected, I'm outta here. We've gone too far in the past 40 years (20, if you're from the South) to go back to the days of Jim Crow. Eight years of George W. Bush was bad enough.
Not Going to Put Up With That BS
DEAR GABACHO: The detailed answer is in my book; the short answer is Mexico's probably going to end up building the border wall to keep out gabachos such as you who didn't do enough to defeat the Drumpf.
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DEAR MEXICAN: Do you think that maybe television is part of the reason for this mass migration of people from Mexico and elsewhere to the United States? For example, the show you probably know, The O.C. And what is it we see on The O.C.? We see bikini-clad babes and buff lifeguards who live on the beach in nice houses with green lawns. They have exercise machines that look like UFOs and fancy sports cars. They have lots of food, good booze, lots of sex—and, most important, lots of money. On TV, we advertise the U.S. 24/7 .We have rock & roll, gangsta rap, reggaeton, and WWE. We have those brave detectives from NYPD keeping order in the streets and the NYFD, who will show up at your door in 15 minutes or less after you dial 911. We have Russell Crowe, Sharon Stone, Madonna, U2, Sly Stallone, Daddy Yankee, Snoop Dogg, George Lopez, Cheech and Chong, Larry the Cable Guy, J-Lo, and all our ambassadors and politicians smiling into the camera and saying, "Come on over and play with us. Come on over and get some of this! Come on over to Fantasylandia, with your host, Barack Obama." Hey, it's only just across the border.
I Watch Too Much Glenn Beck
DEAR GABACHO: American television? The only thing Mexicans ever picked up from it was The Simpsons, which remains one of the most popular gabacho shows in Mexico, even though Homer's name is Homero and Bart goes by Bartolo. Other American shows are popular, but that's not what drives Mexicans to come over; it's the jobs, estúpido. And given there ain't many right now, not as many Mexis are crossing over. You want a better conspiracy? Go investigate whether Thomas Alva Edison was really Tomás Álvaro—the answer may surprise you!
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DEAR MEXICAN: My mom has long thought it cute and fun to quiz waiters in Mexican restaurants on how to say things in Spanish. When I was a girl growing up in an incredibly non-diverse area (Oregon), she said it would help me learn Spanish and that I should take advantage of these rare opportunities to talk with native Spanish speakers. But I've always felt it was a little rude, maybe even condescending, to impose upon service people in this way. Is it?
I Also Watch Too Much Glenn Beck
DEAR GABACHO: Todo tiene its time and place when it comes to learning Spanish. Getting it on with a Mexican? He'll teach you the language of love. Protesting Donald Trump? You'll learn so many ways of saying "chinga tu madre" that you'll be able to walk the streets of Tepito with ease. But while a Mexican is working and serving you? Proceed with respect. If business is slow, quiz away; if they're occupied, leave them be. Otherwise, they'll tell their fellow meseros in the back of the kitchen about the loud gabacha and spit in your chips—as they should.