DEAR MEXICAN: Why is Mexican Spanish so maligned by the rest of the Hispanic world (even Dominicans!)? It doesn't make any sense to me, but nonetheless, I find myself worrying about my intended trip a Mexico para cursos de Español. Am I making a mistake in learning Mexican-accented Spanish?
No Puedo Usar Accentos
DEAR I CAN'T USE ACCENTS: Have you ever talked to Colombians? At some point, they inevitably say their Spanish is the best in the world, that someone from the Real Academia Española said that was so, and therefore, it's true. And while I like Colombians (they're as happy and drunk and angry as us Mexicans, and they gave the world cumbia), that's an urban legend as preposterous as the one that maintains the husband of a jealous lover murdered Javier Solís. It's true the rest of Latin America trashes Mexican Spanish for supposedly being lower-class than other Spanish varieties, but everyone trashes everyone's Spanish. Argentine Spanish gets mocked for being wannabe Italian; Cuban and Puerto Rican Spanish gets grilled for being lightning-fast garble. Peruvian Spanish is supposedly too soft-spoken; Central American Spanish is considered backwater for its continued use of voseo (the second-person singular pronoun vos).
Even Mexicans make fun of one another's Spanish. Guadalajara natives are notorious for saying, "O sea" (the fresa version of "I mean, like"); rural folks are ridiculed as sing-song chúntaros. Mexico City is so large that two Spanishes are ascribed to it: the matter-of-fact tone of capitalinos (the rich) and the hilariously vulgar babadas of the chilangos (the poor). And all Latin Americans trash indigenous folks for not even knowing Spanish, period. So learn Mexican Spanish—that's what the majority of Latinos in the U.S. speak, anyway. And my vote for the best castellano? Chilean Spanish, cachai?
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DEAR MEXICAN: A dear friend of ours has married a Mexican man, who is now our dear friend. They have invited us to his sister's wedding in Mexico. By North American standards, we barely know her. We would love to go, but we want to be sure it's appropriate. What is expected of an acquaintance in this circumstance?
Vivacious for Vallarta
DEAR GABACHA: You do realize Mexico is part of North America, right? Let's start with knowing basic geographical facts about the host country before visiting it. It's pendeja gabachas like you who make hotel workers continue to shove toothbrushes up their culos, then take pictures of that ass affront with the smartphone you left in your room while you're getting drunk at the pool bar from your fifth Adios Mother Fucker.
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DEAR MEXICAN: I was wondering what the origin is of so many Mexican-food restaurants having the word Agave in it?
#3 Combo, Extra Sour Cream
DEAR GABACHO: "So many"? Betcha more Mexican restaurants get named for the owner's hometown/home state, tacos or use a -berto's suffix than there are restaurants using Agave. But the word offers a fascinating insight into the history of Mexican-food restaurant aesthetics. They started getting named after the mother plant of tequila back in the 1980s, during the Southwestern-cuisine craze. Back then, chefs overloaded on Southwestern signifiers—agave paintings and silhouettes of howling coyotes and Kokopelli, mostly—to advertise their "authenticity," much like modern-day taquerías bump Vicente Fernández on the jukebox or mariscos spots employ waitresses who follow the gospel of #chichischrist and #nalgamedios.