DEAR MEXICAN: I'm reading the redneck rhetoric in your most recent column, and I feel retarded to continually be surprised by the hate guised as nationalism that so easily flows from the mouths of these degenerates. At least we don't have to worry about that "nice" stereotype like the Canadians. Isn't it possible that no one wants to make taxpayers out of all of the illegals because this would entitle them to minimum wage? I agree that if you're going to enjoy the benefits of this country, then you should maintain your culture, but also become a legal American citizen. But can we afford to actually pay full price for the labor foundation that we currently enjoy at such a discount?
DEAR GABACHA: Interesting punto! Gabachos don't want undocumented Mexicans to become American citizens because they're Mexicans, and they really feel that once we become the majority, we'll rip out their hearts, wrap them in bacon and serve them as a breakfast burrito. And they also want us to remain perpetual peons, even if making us legal brings more money to the American economy. A 2013 paper by the Center for American Progress found that if undocumented immigrants were granted legal status and the possibility of citizenship that year, the United States' gross domestic product "would grow by an additional $1.4 trillion cumulatively over the 10 years between 2013 and 2022." Not only that, but analysts Robert Lynch and Patrick Oakford forecast the creation of 203,000 jobs per year in that time frame if amnesty happened. On the other hand, if said undocumented people only got legal status in 2013 but weren't eligible for citizenship for a decade, the GDP would grow by a relatively modest $832 billion. Even that's more of an economic stimulus package than Trump could ever possibly conjure up—but since gabachos hate truth nowadays, the prospect of amnesty long ago went the way of the Paris climate accords.
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DEAR MEXICAN: I've been to a number of Mexican-sponsored events that include the typical banda, those bands with 40 members and every instrument known to man. My question is why do those grupos bring such enormous speakers? For a party taking place in a back yard or a room that fits no more than 50, they'll bring speakers large enough for a stadium. And while we're on the subject of bandas, why do they have so many friggin' people in them anyway?
Split Eardrums, But Happy
DEAR GABACHO: The more speakers any Mexican band uses, the angrier gabachos will get. This isn't rocket science, pendejo.
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DEAR MEXICAN: Why is it that if you call anyone from Latin America that's not from Mexico a Mexican, they get mad? But everybody from Latin America calls any white person a gringo, no matter if they are Canadian, English, German, French, etc. It seems to me that Latin Americans want to be called by their country of origin but don't give a crap about a white person's country of origin. Would this be racism or prejudice?
DEAR GABACHO: Because a gringo is technically a white foreigner regardless of country. Besides, spare me: You gabachos call us "illegals" even if our families have lived in Aztlán since your ancestors were dying of the Black Death.