Welcome to Jesusville
Illustration by Bob AulHey! You with the gigantic, gaudy cross in my parents' neighborhood. You put up that 10-foot monstrosity for Christmas and now, deep into February, it's still up there, looming like a . . . like a 10-foot cross. It's not only offensive but also an embarrassment to the neighborhood, a neighborhood you've helped turn into Jesusville, what with your cross and that big Christian fish symbol all lit up in red lights. What's with you people? Are you so insecure in your faith that you have to advertise it like some used-car lot? ("We praise Jesus and work with bad credit!") And what's with the white lights all around your cross and hoisting it up by a palm tree so that it hovers over your house like the Archangel of Bad Taste? Are you and the Trinity Broadcasting Network trying to outgarish each other? Or are you just annoying? My dad said he's going to call the city. My mom, who won't say anything bad about anyone, told me one of the neighbors wondered if you think you're a church. Yeah, Our Lady of the Exasperatingly Self-Righteous. Praise God and get your head out, numbnuts.
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