[UPDATED With Restitution:] Michael Kevin Lallana Guilty of Twice Slipping Semen Into Co-Worker's Water Bottle

UPDATE, AUG. 8, 4:02 P.M.:

A judge today ordered

Michael Kevin Lallana

to pay $27,410.80 to the female co-worker whose water bottle the 32-year-old Fullerton resident twice filled with his jizz because "her lips had touched it."

Lallana, who was previously sentenced to six months in jail, three years of probation and a lifetime sex-offender tag, is compelled to pay the restitution to compensate Tiffany G. for therapy, medical expenses and lost wages.

UPDATE, APRIL 25, 2:49 P.M.:

It was horrible what

Tiffany G.

went through thanks to her former co-worker 

Michael Kevin Lallana

(and to get a sense of that, read her victim impact statement to the court in the previous update).

To have an erroneous account of the way she figured out she had been victimized published online certainly must compound that horror.

Apologies are therefore in order for my having done so in a previous post, which has since been corrected. (Scroll down to last Friday's update.)

UPDATE, APRIL 25, 8:44 A.M.: I was out of state since Friday and could not get you the sentence handed down to Michael Kevin Lallana for his two misdemeanor counts of battery via jizzery: Six months in jail, three years of probation and a lifetime sex-offender tag. (One would love to be a fly on the porch as Lallana explains to neighbors why they live near a registered sex offender. "Honey, cancel the milkman.") Sir Semen Bottler is out of custody on $500 bail pending appeal.

Tiffany G.'s victim impact statement to the court after the jump . . .

"The acts of Michael Lallana have absolutely impacted me emotionally and physically," she told the court, reports an Orange County district attorney's office statement. "The confession of Mr. Lallana caused me to go into depression; I had to seek counseling to find a way to get through this period in my life."

She continued, "The idea that I had Mr. Lallana's semen in my mouth, without my knowing, against my will, for his sexual pleasure sickens me. I feel that it was a form of rape. Mr. Lallana has stripped me of my ability to trust. I believe Mr. Lallana should be a registered sex offender."

She got her wish.

UPDATE, APRIL 22, 9:30 A.M.: One thing that may enter the judge's mind before he sentences Michael Kevin Lallana today was testimony during the second day of the trial from mental-health experts.

A psychologist testifying for the defense told jurors the 32-year-old Fullerton resident suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, displaying a pattern of immature behavior, a need for admiration and passive-aggressive tendencies. Lallana's wife and daughter must love knowing that.

During cross examination, the female psychologist cited passive-aggressive behavior he displayed while a member of a Filipino club at the University of Southern California, and his belief that Asian men are perceived as inferior to Caucasian men in the eyes of Caucasian women. Like Tiffany G., the office co-worker who drank a water bottle that contained Lallana's splooge. Twice.

Lallana also told the psychologist of emotional abuse from his wife, whom he claimed only had sex with him three times since 2009 and was aware he masturbated at the office. Coupled with the stress from his home facing foreclosure, is it any wonder he acted out? asked the head examiner.

Using this testimony, defense attorneys tried to argue Lallana did not assault Tiffany because he did not secretly load his man juice into her bottle for sexual gratification. He was relieving stress.

Um, Your Honor, how is all this Tiffany's fault? Oops, sorry, thought I was playing a prosecutor on Law & Order again.

The judge will no doubt reflect on the victim's words. I know I can't get them the frack outta my head. In January 2010, she tasted foul water in her bottle and tossed it. When it happened again on April 6, 2010, she saved it. But she didn't go to a lab, she testified; she went to her boyfriend.

*Corrected paragraph:

Somehow, she convinced him to splooge into a bottle so she could determine if the appearance of the contents matched those of the bottle from work.

That "Ewwwwww" you just heard was you saying, "Ewwwwww,"

The results of her detective work went to her company's HR department, which had the office bottle taken to a lab. Once it was confirmed what was inside, Orange police were contacted. Which led to an investigation, DNA sampling, prosecution, conviction and, now, today's day o' reckoning.

UPDATE, FEB. 24, 5:12 P.M.:

Before

Michael Kevin Lallana

was found guilty today, he admitted to police he got his rocks off thinking about his victim, a Northwestern Mutual assistant named Tiffany, drinking his man juice.

"The defendant says he found Tiffany very attractive," prosecutor Brock Zimmon explained to the jury. "You're going to hear him say that what essentially turned him on about this is that he knew that her lips had touched that water bottle. And there was something about her lips that kind of touched it , and this was as close as he could get to somebody that good-looking."

In audio from Lallana's police interrogation played for the jury, he whined that he and his wife rarely had sex and that he often masturbated in his office into cups, scratch paper and his own bottle before tossing out the makeshift splooge receptacles. He went on to admit shooting a load into Tiffany's bottle but swore he did not intend for her to drink it.

She testified, and Lallana also confirmed, that they barely knew each other, working for different teams and having limited interaction.

Sir Jerk-Off's defense attorney, Ed Madrid, tried to argue unsuccessfully that no crime happened because his client never laid a finger on the woman.

A grossed-out jury obviously didn't buy that defense.

UPDATE, FEB. 24, 4:02 P.M.: A jury today found Michael Kevin Lallana guilty of harming a female co-worker by secretly serving his jizz in her water bottle.

The 32-year-old was slapped with two misdemeanor counts of battery with sentencing enhancement allegations for committing a crime for sexual gratification.
 
The Fullerton father now faces up to a year in jail and mandatory sex-offender registration at his April 22 sentencing in Santa Ana.

UPDATE, FEB. 18, 2:59 P.M.: Trial is scheduled to begin Tuesday for Michael Kevin Lallana, the 32-year-old accused of twice depositing his semen into a female co-worker's water bottle. Opening statements are scheduled to begin at 9 that morning in Santa Ana.

The woman apparently drank the evil brew left on her desk and became sickened, first in January 2010 and again the following April. If convicted of two misdemeanor counts each of battery and assault with sentencing allegations for committing a crime for sexual gratification, Fullerton family man Lallana could get a year in jail and have to register as a sex offender.

UPDATE, SEPT. 15, 2010, 12:07 P.M.: USC graduate, mortgage-company employee and Fullerton family man Michael Kevin Lallana has pleaded not guilty to placing his man juice into the water bottle of a female co-worker on at least two separate occasions.

The 31-year-old, who has a wife and young daughter, entered the plea Tuesday and was on his way, as he is out of jail on bail.

Courtesy of Orange County District Attorney's Office
Michael Lallana says he didn't splooge it.
As the Weekly previously reported, Lallana is charged with two misdemeanor counts each of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault, with sentencing allegations for committing a crime for sexual gratification. If convicted, he could get anywhere from three months to three years behind bars and have to register as a sex offender.

Lallana is accused of meeting a co-worker in her twenties--identified only as "Jane Doe" by prosecutors--while working at Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Co. in Newport Beach in 2005. This past January, Lallana entered Doe's office and, ahem, deposited his ejaculation into a water bottle that was on her desk, according to the Orange County district attorney's office (OCDA). The woman later returned to her office, took a swig from the bottle and quickly tossed it in the garbage, feeling sick and irritated.

She and Lallana were among eight employees transferred to the Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Co.'s Orange branch three months later. This past April, Lallana--who was Doe's manager--pulled the same semen-in-a-bottle act on her, according to the OCDA. However, after taking a gulp this time and feeling the same ill effects, Doe had the bottle sent to a private lab to be tested, prosecutors say. After being informed in June that the water bottle contained splooge, she contacted the Orange Police Department.

Following further investigation by the cops and Orange County Crime Lab, Lallana was linked to the crimes through DNA, which led to his Aug. 17 arrest outside his Fullerton home, according to the OCDA.

It had to be a shock to his lovely wife. According to his online Northwestern Mutual Mortgage bio, "Michael spends most of his free time with his family and friends. Michael and his wife, Emma, have been married for four years and can be seen chasing around their 1.5-year-old toddler, Erica, on the weekends."

The bio also indicates Lallana has been a financial representative with the firm since 2003; that he is a graduate of the University of Southern California with a B.S. in Business Administration; and that--here's the kicker--he "relishes developing personal relationships and directly impacting the lives of his family, friends and people in his community."

If the charges are true, that was one pretty direct way to impact Jane Doe, who was also in court when Lallana entered his plea. She was accompanied by her celebrity lawyer, Gloria Allred. Doe left it to Allred to do all the talking, and the diminutive ballbuster explained her "hero" client was there to impress on the court she is ready to testify. 

"No woman should have to be victimized in the way that this victim has been," Allred said (via Rachanee Srisavasdi's report in The Orange County Register). "This is such a horrific act felonies should be considered. This is very, very disgusting."

As for how Allred's going to manage a big payday out of a criminal case, she claimed she is not thinking about that right now, that the current proceedings must be completed first.

Just the same, reporters should start booking their seats now for the inevitable press conference announcing a multimillion-dollar lawsuit against Lallana and the mortgage company.


UPDATE, AUG. 20, 2010, 3 P.M.: One wag, noticing suspected splooger Michael Kevin Lallana is a USC grad, believes the Weekly missed the obvious ending to the story.

"As he was being arrested, I bet he wished he had worn a Trojan."

 

ORIGINAL UPDATED POST, AUG. 17, 2010, 12:06 P.M.: And you thought the Mad Men were degrading to female office workers.

A mortgage-company employee was arrested today for allegedly jerking off into a female co-worker's water bottle, sickening her.

Twice!

Four months apart!

Michael Kevin Lallana, 31, of Fullerton, is charged with two misdemeanor counts each of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault, with sentencing allegations for committing a crime for sexual gratification.

Lallana could get anywhere from three months to three years behind bars and have to register as a sex offender if convicted

According to a statement from the Orange County district attorney:

  • In 2005, Lallana is accused of meeting a co-worker, in her twenties, Jane Doe, while working at Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Company in Newport Beach. On Jan. 14, 2010, Lallana is accused of assaulting Jane Doe by entering the victim's office and depositing his ejaculation into a water bottle that was on her desk. The defendant is accused of leaving the semen-filled water bottle on the victim's desk which Jane Doe later drank upon returning to her office. The victim, unaware of the bottle's contents, drank the water the contaminated water. She threw it away after feeling sickened and irritated.
  • Approximately three months later, Jane Doe and six other employees, including the defendant, were transferred to the Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Company's Orange branch. On April 9, 2010, Lallana is accused of assaulting Jane Doe by depositing his ejaculation into a water bottle that the victim left on her desk. The defendant is accused of leaving the contaminated bottle on Jane Doe's desk and returning to his office. The victim later returned to her office and drank from the semen-filled water bottle. She was sickened and irritated. She sent it to a private lab to be tested.
  • In June 2010, Jane Doe was contacted by the private lab who confirmed that the water bottle contained semen. The victim reported the incidents to the Orange Police Department (OPD). In early July, following further investigation by the OPD and Orange County Crime Lab, the defendant was linked through DNA to the crimes.


Lallana was arrested outside his Fullerton home by Orange cops this morning. The OCDA sought bail of $10,000, and Lallana was released on a $500 bond.

He is scheduled to be arraigned Sept. 14 in Santa Ana.

(Note to any court reporters who'll be attending: Fill up your own water bottles, and don't take your eyes off of them.)

Michael Lallana relishes developing personal relationships that impact people, says his firm's bio.
Michael Lallana relishes developing personal relationships that impact people, says his firm's bio.
Courtesy of Orange County District Attorney's Office

UPDATE: The Weekly's intrepid intern, Kevin Short, dug up the following:

Michael Lallana has been a Financial Representative with the Northwestern Mutual Financial Network since 2003. He is a graduate of the University of Southern California with a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration. With a prior career in management consulting, he transitioned to join NMFN because there is tremendous value in a very important but often overlooked area of financial services. He relishes developing personal relationships and directly impacting the lives of his family, friends and people in his community. Michael now serves as a Field Director for The Waltos Group in Orange, CA.

Michael spends most of his free time with his family and friends. Michael and his wife, Emma, have been married for 4 years and can be seen chasing around their 1 ½ year old toddler, Erica, on the weekends.


So that's how one develops personal relationships directly impacting people.


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send:

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >