The Top Five Disney Characters the Religious Right Should be Concerned About

So the religious right is upset about Woody's recent appearance in a Google Chrome commercial (which you can see after the jump, around the 1:05 mark). Fact is, Woody's anti-bullying (to be read "pro-homosexuality," or "promosexuality" as I like to call it) message is just the tip of Disney's liberally biased iceberg--and yes, I hesitated to use the words "Woody" and "tip" together in the same sentence.

Disney's global agenda is simple: to turn the innocent youth of today into the free-loving, "It's a Small World After All" hippies of Tomorrowland.




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Well, I say it's about damn time someone spoke up.

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Back in the day, parents only had to worry about H.R. Pufnstuf's PCP-fueled pro-drug psychedelia, or Balki Bartokomous' odd relationship with a pet sheep and his "Dance of Joy." (Do I even need to spell that one out for you?) But today, the lefty-leaning influence of Disney is everywhere. It's in our movie theaters, on our televisions--GASP!--even printed on the bedsheets we tuck our children under at night.

So after months of extensive research in the belly of the beast (also known as "Disney's Vault"), I've compiled this list of the top five Disney characters the world SHOULD be concerned about.

Behold and beware, my fellow paranoid narcissists, these five Disney demons:


5. Mary Poppins

The Top Five Disney Characters the Religious Right Should be Concerned About

Just a spoonful of sugar (and by "spoonful of sugar," she means "hit of acid") makes the medicine go down . . . and then allows you to live in a cartoon, dance with penguins, clean your bedroom with the Devil's mind powers, and fly through the air with the aid of only an umbrella! Mary Poppins was a witch! Burn her!

4. Genie from Aladdin

The Top Five Disney Characters the Religious Right Should be Concerned About
So let me get this straight: If I rub you, you'll give me three wishes, right? Sure. That's exactly what that creepy guy in the park told me when I was in third grade.


3. Geppetto from Pinocchio
The Top Five Disney Characters the Religious Right Should be Concerned About
A man who "builds" boys in his workshop, then prays for them to turn real. Don't piss him off though, because he has no problem with burying you beneath his floorboards! Or, more accurately, turning you into said floorboards.


2. Carl Fredricksen from Up

The Top Five Disney Characters the Religious Right Should be Concerned About
Utilizing the most complex kidnapping device ever (a floating house suspended only by helium-filled balloons), this scary old pervert abducts a chubby Asian Wilderness Explorer and whisks him off to an uninhabited country in South America that has no extradition laws!
1. Walt Disney

The Top Five Disney Characters the Religious Right Should be Concerned About
The evil liberal leader of the pack! By utilizing his genius for both family entertainment and mass marketing, Walt has somehow managed to continue to have a major influence over today's youth despite having his head frozen nearly five decades ago. In his defense, though, he was a redbaiter back in the day and blindly threw Communists (also known as "innocent friends") under the bus during the Red Scourge (also known as "The Good Ol' Days").

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