It’s another edition of our occasional chronicle/critique of the Orange County Register, using highly-detailed, top-secret scientific research crafted in the sub-basement of the OC Weekly DataLab®.
Every week, we start the Register off with a generous 100 points. Then our expensive-ass computers (the same ones used to coordinate BCS rankings, control space shuttle launches and animate Daybreak OC’s Pete Weitzner) add or subtract points based on the quality of the Register’s print edition, their website, and anything else Reg-related. If the end tally meets or exceeds 100 points, we’ll officially proclaim the Register as The Greatest Newspaper That’s Ever Existed In The History of Recorded Information, and immediately discontinue our monitoring. But if the final number freefalls to zero or below, well . . . we just keep on going.
This week’s Register-culled info entered into the Reg-O-Meter©:
SUNDAY, MARCH 9 •Woo-hoo! The Mini Page! Still the only thing in the Sunday Reg worth reading.
MINI PAGE MADNESS: add 27.7 Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 127.7 POINTS
MONDAY, MARCH 10 •Actual headline of story written by actual Reg staffer Annie Burris: “Puppies begin to learn soccer skills.”
•We flip to page 8 of the family-friendly Sports pages, where the Reg’s hook . . .um, prosti . . . uh, “massage” ads are laid out for us to peruse. Let’s see . . . do we want “cozy, private, hot magic hands, massage, pretty Asian masseuses,” or do we go with “relaxing touch, pretty staff, private rooms, free table shower?” Or is this kind of like having to choose between herpes and gonorrhea?
PUPPY POWER: subtract 10.1 VENEREAL DISEASE IS THE NEW BASEBALL: subtract 18.3 Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 99.3 POINTS
TUESDAY, MARCH 11 •The question of the day in Reg columnist Kimberly Edds’ Safety column goes like this: “My new neighbor seems a little creepy. I have small children and now I’m a little worried about letting them play outside. Is there anything specific I should be looking for that would tell me my gut feeling is right about this guy?”
Kimmie then lights her torch and immediately starts hunting down the nearest Frankenstein monster: “If your gut is telling you he’s creepy,” Lil’ Kim answers, “then he’s creepy, at least to you.”
Edds then goes on to call the unnamed creepy guy—who we assume she’s never met; for all she knows, he may not even exist—a “schmuck,” then advises to “keep your kids away from Mr. Smith’s backyard kiddie land.”
Goddamn! Of course, the unnamed person asking the question (if they even exist; there’s no plea for reader questions anywhere in the column, so Edds just may have yanked this one out of her ass) doesn’t provide any details as to why he/she thinks the neighbor is creepy. Is he creepy because he’s Mexican? Black? Gay? A Trekkie? An Obama supporter? Gordon Dillow? We don’t know, but we do know that if Kimberly Edds ever moved next door to us—judging by the photo of her that runs with her column, which is a lot more info than Edds had to supply an appropriate answer—we’d think she was a tad on the creepy side, too, in that really-bad-drag-queen kind of way.
•Letter-writer Brent Adam pulls his head out his ass to rant about the douche who got killed trying to rob that jewelry store at the Shops at Mission Viejo. “The story was quite a shocker to all of us in south Orange County. No one expects something like this to happen here . . . now it is in our back yard.” Adam smells like a blood relative to every naïve, bubble-dwelling idiot who pops up whenever unexpected violence/weirdness occurs and blurts sentences like “He seemed like such a normal, nice guy.”
All we know is, we lived in a supposedly safe gated community in Irvine for four years, and we never had to call the cops more often there than anywhere else we ever lived (and we used to live near downtown Long Beach). Like the time that couple was smacking each other around. And the coke dealer who took up residence in a condo because he rightly figured people wouldn’t suspect a thing (yep, just like on Weeds!), and—as we always point out—the psycho nutjob who got busy with a machete at the Albertson’s down the street. So grow up, Brent—stupidity doesn’t care about geography.
EDDS WITCH-HUNTING EXPEDITION: minus 44.2 ALWAYS-ENTERTAINING REG LETTERS: plus 18.1 BRENT ADAM’S EXISTENCE: minus 9.3 Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 63.9 POINTS
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12 •Oh, good lord . . . Reg lifer Jane Glenn Haas announces a new weekly blog all about her year-long attempt to lose 25 pounds. A whole year? Just 25 pounds? Haas should read her own paper, specifically the big display ad we always see that promises folks they can “lose 21 pounds in 4 weeks,” which sounds a lot quicker and easier, but apparently Haas needs something to do to earn her paycheck. The inspiration for this, Haas writes, was a photo she saw of her tubby self taken with John McCain. The Reg reprints the shot, which to us looks like McCain’s either copping a feel or using Haas as support to keep from keeling over. Also, with layoffs always hovering over the heads of Reg staffers, isn’t stretching her blog out over a year sort of wishful thinking?
LOSE WEIGHT THE JANE GLENN HAAS WAY—SLOOOWLY: minus 10.3 ANY PICTURE OF JOHN MCCAIN: minus 4.8 Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 48.8 POINTS
THURSDAY, MARCH 13 •Nothing like lesbians doing crazy, wacky lesbian stuff to boil the blood of Reg readers. Especially when those same lesbians are right there, on the front page, where innocent children can see them doing their un-Christian lesbian juju tricks like making babies with their invisible penises. At least that’s what a slew of typically frothy Reg readers have to say about the story that appears in today’s edition about Cristine Gaiennie and her partner, Patsy Lovell, who are the happy parents of newborn quadruplets. While there are plenty of nice, cool things that people have to say about this event on the Reg website, there’s also a big chunk of more typical reader comments. We’ll just link you to the piece right here, and let you peruse on your own.
LESBIANS HAVE UTERUSES AND THEY KNOW HOW TO USE THEM: plus 33.9 ALWAYS-ENTERTAINING REG WEBSITE COMMENTS: plus 11.3 Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 94 POINTS
FRIDAY, MARCH 14 •Santa Ana, the heartbeat of everything governmental in OC. Sheriff’s Department scandal-a-minute! Crazy redevelopment running amok! Insane court cases! Hey, Reg Santa Ana beat writer Doug Irving, what’s today’s white-hot story oozing from the bowels of the most populated city in the county?
“A new 10-station outdoor Fitness Challenge Course has been installed at Kennedy Elementary School…”
•From a story by Serena Maria Daniels headlined “Artillery round found in front seat of truck”: “Police noticed David Lee Dunn, 39, sitting in his pickup truck, talking to some female friends at 2 a.m. in the parking lot of the National Inn in the 2700 block of West Lincoln and stopped to question him as a suspicious vehicle, Anaheim Police Sgt. Rick Martinez said.”
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Uhhh . . . so Dunn was disguised as a suspicious vehicle? Or perhaps he shape-shifted? Or when the cops stopped to question Dunn, maybe they were dressed as suspicious vehicles? Or . . . or . . . wait, there’s this at the end: “Police are unclear of what Dunn was doing with the explosive.” Well, I guess everybody’s unclear, then.
REG-INDUCED EYE-ROLLING MAKING US DIZZY: minus 87.3 THE COPYEDITOR LAYOFFS HAVE BEGUN: minus 44.9
REG-O-METER GRAND TOTAL: -38.2 points.
Better luck next time, kids!