This week's episode of Newport Harbor opens with Chase deciding that he likes Taylor and not Allie. This is problematic because he took Allie to prom and kicked Taylor out of the after-party for cutting off his groove sauce or soiling his game, if you will. But, as it turns out, this lady switch is for the best because appears that Allie is a complete fucking retard.
Here is a clip of a conversation between she and her friend who doesn't matter to the story line as they discuss going to Europe for the summer. "Where do you want to go?" Allie asks. "I want to be, like near water," FTDMTTSL says. "I want to be near the beaches," Allie says. "Like you know? Near the water and not, like, up in the land. In like Ireland or wherever. I want to go to Rome." "Yeah, Rome." "Is Rome like, a country? Or no, not Rome. Is Italy, yeah Italy, like, a country?" "I think its like a state here." "Italy would be like awesome because like, I love Italian food " "And Italian boys!" they both say in unison. "We could like ride around on a Vespa," FTDMTTSL says. "Or we could go to Spain because I speak Spanish," Allie adds. "Really? Prove it to me and say something in Spanish. Say, 'Where are all the hot boys?'" "Donde esta los... um." "Caliente boys!" "No. Because caliente is like weather hot." Duh stupid. Everyone knows that. I want to jab a pencil into my eye.
But it is not over yet. Not by a long shot. This is just the tip of the iceberg on this blizzard of intellectual conversation.
Later, in the kitchen, Allie and the friend that doesn't matter are further discussing their trip and the friend pulls out a bunch of celery from the fridge. "Oh my God. I didn't even know celery came like this," she says. "I know I didn't know either," Allie says. "Just wash it though." "I am so excited for the food in Europe," FTDMTSL says. "What's French food like? Like animals? Like duck?" Jesus. No wonder Europeans think Americans are assholes.
But not all is lost because from this conversation we, the viewers, learn that Allie has paid for this massive vacation with her father's money and he has no idea she has done so.
She is confronted by her parents about the payment situation later in the show at which point Allie says, "You gave me a credit card. Don't get all technical." Then, after spewing more nonsensical verbal vomit, she vows she will never speak to her parents again if they ruin her senior trip. To which her father replies, "Promise." Hahahah! Bangdon Allie.
So at the same time this madness is going on, Chase is trying to apologize to Taylor but she isn't about to forgive him for kicking her out of the prom after-party that easy. Oh no. She ignores two of his calls and then decides to have dinner at his house. Way to hold out Taylor. Go you.
The rest of the episode basically consists of Chrissy discussing the fact that she is a virgin.
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Meanwhile, Clay's friends try to give him advice on how to "take it to the next level" and "step up the game." In other words, they advise the poor boy on how he can end up checking Chrissy's "V-card".
The main advice offered up by Clay's friends is this: Keep it classy. But this seems to confuse poor Clay, who, like Allie, also isn't too bright. So, they elaborate on the idea by telling Clay to give Chrissy some compliments.
"When she's wearing a pink dress say, 'damn girl I like that silk,'" one friend offers up. Pure class. Excellent advice gentleman. That'll be sure to have her jumping out of her panties and onto his johnson in no time. Well done.
Anyway, the episode finally ends with the kids in the jacuzzi discussing virginity. Apparently next week is graduation and if by chance there is a God somewhere, anywhere, it will also be the end of this piece of shit show forever.