The Really - Really - Really - Real - This - Time - We - Mean - It OC Recap

Holy shit. I watched the premiere episode of Newport Harbor: The Real OC on MTV last night and boy do I have piles of nifty information to report back to our readers who aren't lame enough to watch this crap on television themselves.

Lets start with a breakdown of the characters to make this easier, shall we?

The lead character and narrator is Chrissy who looks like Denise Richards' bastard twin. She's an only child with an overly-concerned father who calls her every five minutes to check in. Chrissy has a crush on Clay, her next-door neighbor. He is supposedly the "hottest guy" at Newport Harbor (Ahem. I completely disagree. Face like a frying pan).

Allie is the the bitch of the show, platinum blond with big boobs. Your basic reality TV villain. She loves male attention and complains when she doesn't get it.

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Chase and Taylor are friends who hang out with the group but don't matter yet and Sasha is Chrissy's best friend.

Now here's the episode recap. It begins with Chrissy and Shasha hangin' at the tennis court, swinging their rackets and chatting away about the boys. Ohhhhhh, Chrissy has a crush on Chase! But what's this? The next scene depicts Allie laying-out and telling some non-reoccurring friend that she likes Chase too! D.R.A.M.A.

You can just smell the trouble brewing as the kids all prepare to take a co-ed trip (that's boys AND girls) to Palm Springs minus parental supervision! Wait. Strike that. Chrissy's super-overprotective father has decided to tag along so that he can supervise. Bum sauce.

Fast forward to Palm Springs where the kids are just beginning to have some fun. Chase has lured Chrissy into a hotel room it looks like they are gonna make-out. Allie is totally jealous and decides to whine about it when, surprise! Chrissy's phone rings. It's her dad calling. Again. He proceeds to scream disappointment into Chrissy's ear, causing her to leave the room and ruin the party for everyone. Chase is totally upset about it, too. He wants to date Chrissy not her dad. Although her dad is pretty attractive in an older man sort of way.

Later, back at the harbor, Chrissy walks her dog by Chase's house to apologize but Chase is totally disinterested as he is washing his SUV's rims and not in the mood to talk.

Poor Chrissy! She is totally funked-out about Chase's lack of a reaction. So she decides to feel all upset for hours and verbalizes her disappointment over the phone to Shasha by basically saying how much her father sucks balls.

The show ends with that bitchy-bitch Allie marching her scantily-clad ass up Chase's driveway for what we can only assume is a make-out session. The credits roll. Fin.

Sigh. Watching this show isn't going to be easy. You're not going to like it. At times you'll be outright infuriated by the inane chatter and hopeless consumerism. You'll be ashamed to say you watch it but be unable to stop talking about it so just accept it! I, for one, am going to keep picking that wound, and come back, week after week to do just that. For you. Join me won't you?


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